But That's Ridiculous
by Mireille
Summary: Sirius's death was bad enough, but then Remus discovered that his memory lives on in diary form. Sirius decides Peter's fate, Remus paints portraits and fights off the ladies, and Narcissa has an unusual disease.
1. I Wouldn't Call it Beyond the Veil

But That's Ridiculous 

Disclaimer: This is the only one you're going to get, so pay attention.  The characters and the wizarding world are not mine. I did not invent the English language, I had nothing to do with the atomic bomb, any resemblance to any person alive or dead is not intended to provide the basis for a lawsuit, and I'm _still not making any money writing these excuses for actual imaginative fiction._

Chapter One: I Wouldn't Call It "Beyond the Veil" if I Were You 

After the battle in the Death Chamber, Remus Lupin was feeling thirsty, so he went back to twelve Grimmauld Place for a drink.  When Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace, Remus was sitting at the table with two empty bottles of firewhisky in front of him and a half-empty one in his hand.  Remus looked up at the noise of Dumbledore's arrival and said in a scratchy voice, "How's Harry?"

"My office is a bit more disorganized than it was yesterday, but that is no matter," Dumbledore said, fixing Remus with a well-known look.  "Have you had breakfast yet?"

"I sure have," Remus said, indicating the empty bottles.

"Oh.  Well, I haven't."  Dumbledore retreated to the stove, where he spent a few minutes fidding around, then returned to the table bearing platters of bacon and toast.  He sat down across from Remus and said through a mouthful of toast, "Forget Harry, how are you?"

"Bloody brilliant," Remus said.  "Thanks for asking."

"Good," Dumbledore said.  "Because there's something we need to discuss, but only if you aren't going to burst into tears on me."

"Of course I won't," Remus said.  "Tears are a waste of salt water.  What's on your mind?"

"Did Sirius ever write his will, as I asked him to?"

"Yes, he did," Remus said.  "In fact, that was the first thing we did when he showed up at my place.  He said to me, 'Remus,' he said, 'I'm going to die in less than a year, and I want to make sure you get everything I own, so by God, I'm going to sit down and write out my will –'"

"And what did he do with it?"

"First he transfigured it into a needle and used it to sew up his robes, then when we got here he put it in a pincushion but I said to him, 'Sirius, that needle looks exactly like every other needle in the world and you're not going to be around to tell me which one it is,' so he decided he was going to go put it in his Gringotts vault – the will I mean, not the needle –"

"What number is it?"

"Seven-eleven, and what's funny about that is that July eleventh is exactly one month after his birthday –"

"Where did he keep the key?"

"On a chain around his neck, which obviously does no one any good anymore, but he made me a copy because he said he was sick of me borrowing it all the time, and I put it underneath Buckbeak's dish –"

"I'm going to Gringotts," Dumbledore said, getting up.  "And I'm locking up the firewhisky before I go."

When Dumbledore had returned and Remus was a bit quieter, they read Sirius's will together, which went as follows:

I, Sirius Ryan Black, being so in mind and body, and free of the influence of mind-altering spells or potions, do bequeath my possessions accordingly.

_To Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, I bequeath my ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place, London, to use as he sees fit, and good riddance._

_To Remus Jude Lupin, I bequeath all of my clothes, because God knows he needs them, all of my gold for the same reason, and whatever he would like from my old room at 12 Grimmauld Place._

_To Harry James Potter, I bequeath my flying motorcycle, which is currently in the possession of Albus Dumbledore, and whatever he would like from my old room at 12 Grimmauld Place._

Signed, this third day of July, 1995, Sirius Ryan Black 

"And there was also this," Dumbledore said, handing Remus a scroll with his name on the outside in Sirius's ridiculous handwriting.

"Thanks," Remus said and put it in his pocket, looking Dumbledore in the eye all the while.  "Did you have anything else to say?"

When Dumbledore had gone, Remus smashed open the door of the pantry and poured himself another glass of firewhisky before sitting down and opening Sirius's letter.  It contained directions for finding Sirius's old diary, which was apparently hidden in the left pocket of his navy-blue dress robes in the wardrobe in Sirius's old room on the third floor.

"Marvelous," Remus said to himself, leaning back in his chair.  "The very secret diary of Sirius Black is exactly what I don't need to read right now.  When did he ever keep a diary?  He thinks he can fool me, but I've known him too long for that.  Kreacher!" bellowed Remus.

The house-elf, who had just disappeared into his dilapidated nest, scuttled out making his usual observations about Remus to the floor.

"Go up to Sirius's old room and bring me whatever you find in the left pocket of the navy-blue dress robes in the wardrobe, and if you do anything else, so help me God, I'll have your head for tea."

Remus smirked as the house-elf flew out of the room, but much to his disappointment, Kreacher returned five minutes later with a book the size of Remus's hand covered in scuffed green leather, which was plainly a diary.

"Blast," Remus said, accepting the volume from Kreacher.  "It really is a diary.  Well, now I suppose I have to read it."  Remus opened it to the first page, which was blank.  So were the second, third, fourth, fifteenth, and every other page.

"Blast," Remus said, slamming the diary onto the table.  "This is his idea of a joke, is it?  He can't be bothered to write in his diary, so he gives it to me – well, I'll fill in his stupid diary for him.  Kreacher, get me a quill and ink and for the love of God, shut _up_."

Kreacher brought him a quill and ink and Remus began writing immediately.

Dear diary: I don't think much of your Sirius.  He is a load of dung and he really ought to stop tormenting me now he's dead.

Remus paused to reload his quill and the words disappeared into the page.  He gawked as a reply squirted out of the page in Remus's ink, in Sirius's loony script: I am not a load of dung.

Remus wrote hastily, _Sirius, is that really you?_

Yep.  This is an enchanted diary and it lets you talk to me.

I've got that part now, thanks so much.

And I'm not tormenting you.

But you are actually dead, right? 

Yes, that is one of the prerequisites to entering death, you know.

And you're not coming back as a ghost? 

No, I wanted to see death, and James and Lily.  Are you mad at me, Remus?

No, I've always known that if it were a choice between James and me, he would win.

You're mad.  I can tell.

I shouldn't be, I've had a long enough time to get used to it.

You are mad, and you have the right to be.  I should never have gone to the Department of Mysteries.

Of course you shouldn't have, but if you had it to do over, you would have gone anyway.

You're right, Remus, as always.

You shameless flatterer.

So tell me, how's Harry handling it?

I had to stop him jumping in after you.  I'd say not too well.

I almost wish he had come through.  I'm sure I could use the company.

Harry has a lot of work to do before he can die.

I know that, I'm not stupid.

So do you know anything about death? 

No, I can only remember what happened to me when I was alive.

Damn, I wanted to know what I have to look forward to.

Say, Remus, I hate to change the subject, but would you mind doing something for me?

Whatever you want.

Really?

Well, within reason.

But your definition of "within reason" has always been so much narrower than mine.

Oh, all right then.  Anything within my power.

Are you making fun of me?

Of course not.  You know I've never been able to tell you no.

I suppose you're right.  Well, what I want is for you to get Peter for me.

I was going to do that anyway.

But I want you to get him alive.

Alive? 

That's right.

But I thought we were agreed that we wanted him dead.

Right, but that was me in the future.  I have other plans for him.

What, you don't want to be stuck with him for all eternity? 

Something like that.  Besides, I think he'll be able to do me a bit more good yet.

Sirius, what exactly are you planning for him? 

I'll need you to get a confession from him first.  Have Albus witness it and a couple others from the Ministry you can trust.  Get Snape to give him Veritaserum and make sure he says he spied for Voldemort, he was the Potters' Secret-Keeper, he betrayed them to Voldemort, and he knew I was never a Death Eater.

All right, but what am I supposed to do with him after that? 

Don't turn him in to the Ministry.  Just contact me again when you have him and the confession.

Does that mean I can't talk to you again until I have him? 

Don't be ridiculous, of course not.  I really do want to talk to you, even if you are a fool.

It's nice to know you still care.

Yes, well, I don't have all the time in the world to talk to you and I'm sure you've got something you need to be doing.

Oh yes, I've got tons to do.

Okay, talk to you later.

Bye.

Remus closed the diary, wishing Sirius were still alive, because he wanted to kill him.  Remus had thought he had known Sirius at Hogwarts.  Then he thought he had not.  Then when he'd seen Sirius in the Shrieking Shack two years ago, he knew he had not.  And then when they had set up headquarters here, he had found quite another Sirius.  And even now, even after he was dead Sirius continued to be a mystery.

"It's a damn good thing no one ever asked me to do his eulogy," Remus muttered, which made him think that someone really ought to have a memorial service for Sirius.  Not a funeral, since that generally required a body, just some kind of gathering to make fun of his life and mourn his death.  Maybe it would give Harry an excuse to get away from the Dursleys for a day or so.  Maybe the Ministry would let them have it in the Death Chamber.  That thought made Remus smile grimly.  He decided to mention it to Dumbledore, but he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and after all, it wouldn't kill Sirius to wait a few hours.

* * *

"Yes," said Dumbledore, "I think it's a wonderful idea, and I'm sure we'll be able to use the Death Chamber.  I wonder, do you think Sirius would have objected to a tasteful floral arrangement over the archway?"

"I can ask him, if you like," Remus said.

Dumbledore's face went suddenly quite rigid.  "How are you able to talk to Sirius?"

"He left a diary in his room," Remus said.  "He didn't tell me exactly how it works, but I write in it and he writes back."

"I have seen a diary like that once before," Dumbledore said, "and I must warn you not to write too often or too long in it."

"Why not?"

"It could be dangerous to put too much of yourself into that diary," he said.

"Do you think I'll die if I do?"

"You might," Dumbledore said.  "It's best not to take chances."

Remus sighed.  "All right," he said.  "I'll be careful.  Do you want me to ask Sirius about the flowers?"

"Yes, and do find out if he has any other requests," Dumbledore said.  "After all, it isn't often that one gets to plan one's own funeral."

"Memorial service," Remus corrected automatically.

"Yes, yes, of course.  Let me know if anything strange happens, will you?"

"Of course," Remus said.  "I'd better let you get back to work."

"I suppose you're right.  Thank you for stopping by."

"My pleasure," Remus said, and pulled his head out of the fire.  He closed his eyes until his head had returned to its customary place.  Then he stood up and went over to the stove; Tonks was returning from St. Mungo's in less than an hour and she had made Remus swear to make her favorite lemon salad for dinner.

St. Mungo's did not allow discharged patients to leave by Floo powder, broomstick or Apparition because of the danger that a patient would get hurt and consequently sue the hospital.  (Wizardkind was becoming nearly as skittish about lawsuits as the Muggles.)  Therefore, Moody had to drive Tonks from St. Mungo's to number twelve, where Remus, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mundungus Fletcher, Bill Weasley and an exceptionally tasty dinner awaited.

"Did you make this all yourself, Remus?" said Tonks, licking out the salad bowl.  "You did an incredible job."

Remus blushed.  "Bill made the cream puffs," he said defensively.

Bill grinned.  "Don't be ashamed, Remus," he said.  "It's not the most glamorous job, but _someone's_ got to cook for the Order."

"Now that Sirius can't," Remus muttered, and an unusually quiet silence fell over the diners.

At last Moody said approvingly, "He died like an Auror."

"At least he _died_," Bill said.  "I mean, I'm sure he'd rather be dead than living the rest of his life locked up in St. Mungo's."

"He _is_ dead, isn't he?" Tonks said.  "I mean – that arch – no one's exactly sure what it does, are they?"

"Well, no one that goes in ever comes back," Moody said.  "And it's not like they're just keeping out of sight behind the veil."

"That reminds me," Bill said.  "What've they got you doing now that he's gone, Kingsley?"

"Well, now that the Ministry's admitted that Albus isn't actually instituting a reign of terror, they have to believe _all_ his crackpot stories now, which means, unofficially, Sirius is an innocent man and Pettigrew is a traitor.  So I have to find Pettigrew and get some proof so the Prophet can do a nice big cover story.  The problem is no one's seen him for quite a while, he might be dead or just in hiding.  Maybe you can help me there, Remus."

"What?" said Remus, who had been busy destroying the last cream puff.

"You knew Pettigrew at Hogwarts, didn't you?"

"I slept in the same room with him for seven years, yes."

"Then maybe you know something that would help me find him."

"If you want to know his shoe size, you've come to the right person.  If you want to know where he is today, then you're out of luck."

Kingsley sighed.  "For example, does he have any identifying marks?"

"Let me think – oh yes, Voldemort gave him that nice shiny silver hand about a year ago," Remus said acidly.

"Have you seen it?"

"No, but Harry has, and I'm willing to take his word for it."

"Okay," Kingsley said.  "Is there anything else?"

"Well, I would say, based on his past behavior, if he's reported dead, then he's probably just hiding.  I doubt he has enough courage to actually die."

Kingsley rolled his eyes.  "All right, thanks for all your help."

"And if you find him, let me know, would you?" Remus said.  "Peter and I have some old business to finish."

"Remus, you can't go killing Pettigrew," Kingsley said.  "I know he's a worthless piece of garbage, but we need his testimony to clear Sirius's name.  Besides, you've never been trained in combat –"

"I can cast Avada Kedavra as well as you can," Remus said.

"You haven't been practicing on anyone, I hope?"

"Oh no," Remus said.

"Good," said Kingsley.  "But you still can't just kill Pettigrew without a death sentence –"

"Look, I swear I won't try to kill Peter," said Remus.  "If he comes after me, of course, I can't promise anything.  Does that make you happy?"

"Yes, thank you," Kingsley said.

But Remus's conscience was not appeased.  He had not sworn not to capture Peter, but he knew very well Kingsley would want Peter under Ministry control, not in the hands of Peter's dangerous and possibly homicidal school friend.  But Sirius wanted Peter alive and, as always, what Sirius wanted was worth more than conscience and law and duty.  Nothing had changed, for the three of them anyway, since they were at Hogwarts.  Sirius was still cocky and reckless, Peter still took directions from more powerful people than himself, and Remus still ignored his conscience for the sake of his irresponsible friends.  Worse, now his friends were both dead, and he still could not tell them no.  The only thing that had changed was now Remus had learned to hate his weakness.  But still Remus knew he would not deny Sirius anything he asked; he could only hope that he grew a spine before Sirius asked him for something immoral, or possibly illegal.

* * *

**Interesting Note:** Sirius's vault number actually is 711, according to my French copy of PoA.  Here's the quote for those of you who read French.

…Je leur ai dit de prendre l'or dans le coffre numéro 711 de Gringotts.  C'est le mien.

Why that didn't make it into the English-language editions I don't know, but I'm taking it as canon.

**Acknowledgments:**

Thanks to Kurohyou for the idea of Sirius's enchanted diary, and for general discussion of OotP, which should prove helpful in writing this story.

And to Ruth, because she is not afraid to tell me what I need to do.

Please tell me what you think of the story by using the handy review feature, and I will see you in a few days.

^^^


	2. In a Room with the Arch of Death

But That's Ridiculous 

**Chapter Two: In a Room with the Arch of Death**

On the day of Sirius's memorial service, Remus had the task of collecting Harry from the Dursleys', while the others went ahead to the Death Chamber to take care of the last-minute details, such as setting out the food and arranging the flowers.

Remus landed in the Dursleys' back yard at five minutes to eleven; he didn't own a broom of his own, so he was riding one of Sirius's old ones, a Hairsplitter 900 that his parents had given him for his thirteenth birthday.  He waited for almost two minutes, at the end of which one of the upper windows opened and Harry poked his head out, clearly looking for Remus, who was indistinguishable from the grass below him due to a Disillusionment Charm.  Remus floated up so he was level with Harry and said quietly, "I'm right here, Harry.  What's the matter, have the Dursleys locked you in?"

"Well, yes," Harry said, "but that's not the problem.  You see, I'm not quite sure what I ought to wear.  All I have are Muggle clothes and my Hogwarts robes – oh, and I nearly forgot, I have a set of dress robes.  D'you think that'll be okay?"

Remus approved the dress robes, and Harry slipped them on over his jeans and T-shirt while Remus blasted open the window so Harry could fly out.

"Don't worry," he told Harry.  "I'll think of something really horrible to scare the Dursleys into behaving when we come back."

"Sirius would've turned them into a tea service, wouldn't he?" Harry said sadly.

"Only if your dad hadn't already," Remus reassured him.

The journey into London was uneventful, and Remus and Harry arrived fifteen minutes early in the Death Chamber, which was packed with witches and wizards Sirius had known, and which smelled strongly of flowers.

Almost immediately Harry was accosted by Hermione, who was wearing a dress made of what looked like blue cotton candy.  She was surrounded by all nine Weasleys, including an antsy-looking Percy and Ron, who looked supremely self-conscious in his new dress robes.  Remus, wishing to avoid the press of Weasleys, left Harry with them and edged along the wall.  Unluckily, the first person he met was Severus Snape.

"Hello, Remus," said Snape, unable to entirely suppress the smile that threatened his dour face.  Predictably, Snape was delighted to see Sirius dead, even though the lack of a body meant he could never actually, physically see Sirius dead.  Of course Snape did not allow such a detail to diminish his joy in the slightest.

"Severus," said Remus.  "Enjoying yourself?"

"This is the best day of my life," he said in a raspy whisper.  Given what Remus knew about his life at Hogwarts and after, he was likely not exaggerating.  "Two down and two to go," he added in a nasty voice.

"Speaking of which," Remus said, "have you seen Peter recently?"

"Peter?" said Snape, his eyebrows rising.  "Pettigrew, the silent one?  The treacherous bastard?  _That_ Peter?"

"The very same," Remus said.  "Has he been at meetings?"

"How should I know?" Snape said.  "In case you didn't know, Loony, we all wear _masks_ at these meetings.  You know, those bits of cloth that cover our faces."

"That's lucky," Remus said absently.  "I don't imagine you lot are very attractive, if your leader's any indication."

"You think you're funny, don't you, _Loony_," hissed Snape.

"Of course I do," Remus said.  "But when you raise your hands to vote or ask permission to speak or whatever, have you noticed any silver ones?"

"No," Snape snarled, "I have not."

"Oh," Remus said.  "Well, thanks all the same."  He slid past Snape, who was still glaring at him, and continued around the periphery of the room to where Dumbledore was standing, twisting his hands.

"How're things?" Remus said, causing Dumbledore to jump.

"I'm a bit nervous," he confessed.  "I wish I hadn't volunteered to start the service off.  I get so nervous when I have to talk in front of people."

"Really?" Remus said.  "I've found it helps if you picture the audience in their underwear."

"I'm afraid that doesn't help me," Dumbledore said.  "I have a rather vivid imagination.  Come, it's nearly time, and we've saved you a seat in the front row."

Remus took his seat in the front as Dumbledore mounted the dais, drawing his wand from his sleeve in order to cast the Amplification Charm on himself.

"Ah, yes, here we are.  Ahem, welcome everyone, if you could please make your way to your seats – yes, thank you.  First of all, I would like to thank all of you for coming today to honor the memory of Sirius Black.  I have known Mr. Black since he was eleven years old, and I think I am correct in saying that he would be extremely disappointed to miss an occasion such as this, when all his dearest friends are gathered together in order to say wonderful things about him and eat banana cake, which he always loved for some reason.  And now, I give you Remus Lupin, one of Sirius's old friends, to tell us a little more about him."

Remus ascended the dais and quickly cast his own charm, realizing that there were really an awful lot of people there and they were all staring at him.

"I met Sirius Black on the train to Hogwarts our first year," Remus began.  "He told me that my robes looked as though I had pulled them off a corpse, and from that day we were fast friends.

"Sirius always had the courage to do the sort of things that never occur to normal people because they're so ridiculous.  I remember one time in our third year when he turned the floor of the Great Hall invisible right in the middle of breakfast."

"I always wondered who did that," said Dumbledore, who had forgotten to remove his Amplification Charm.

"Not only that, but Sirius was about twice as intelligent as the average Hogwarts student.  I never saw him crack a book, but he always beat me on tests, which is awfully unfair but there you are.  He and James also became the youngest Animagi in a century with no outside help.  Sirius could always make me smile, even if he'd just destroyed my last pair of socks, and he was so charming that he could always get me to do whatever he wanted despite my better judgment.  Sirius was a wonderful friend, and I wish he could be here so I could tell him just how grateful I am for every way he made my life happier.

"Thank you very much."

Remus stepped off the dais to wild applause, feeling, in some ridiculous way, that Sirius had heard every word and was currently trying to stop himself from grinning too much.

Remus's speech was followed by several others, and then they all came up one by one to stand ten paces in front of the veil and use Banishing Charms to send something through the veil for Sirius.  Dumbledore sent a single phoenix feather.  Remus sent Sirius's half of the two-way mirror.  Hermione sent a picture of Harry that she had cut out of the _Daily Prophet._  Harry ran back to his broom and clipped a twig from it to send.  Snape, smirking, pulled out a hank of his own hair to send, and Remus imagined that among the whispers coming from the arch, he heard a groan of frustration.

Finally the ceremony was finished and everyone descended on the tables ranged along the wall, which were loaded with food.  Remus was hungry, not having had lunch, so he filled a plate and sat down to eat on one of the wide stone steps, where he was shortly joined by none other than Hermione Granger.

She was, of course, brilliant.  Hers were the only essays that had been embarrassing to read because of her prodigious knowledge of things he'd learned and forgotten half a lifetime ago.  He had even heard rumors that she would be offered a professorship at Hogwarts at the end of her seventh year, though becoming a Hogwarts professor at such a young age was virtually unheard of.  However, it was impossible to deny that Hermione could be a bit overbearing at times; last summer she had buttonholed him at number twelve to make her pitch for house-elf liberation, and Remus fully expected a repeat of that scene.  Nevertheless he smiled at her as she sat down and smoothed her skirt.

"Hello, Professor Lupin," she said.  "There's something I need you to tell me."

Remus was so staggered that he forgot to remind her he had quit teaching at Hogwarts two years ago.  Hermione Granger was actually coming to him for information.  Remus realized vaguely that he was assisting at a historical moment. 

"You mean there's something I know that you don't?"

"Lots of things," Hermione corrected him, frowning.  "Like what Sirius was like when you two were at Hogwarts."

Here was a dilemma.  Had Harry told her about the incident in the Pensieve?  Remus didn't dare ask in case he hadn't.  And in either case, it was one of the last topics he would have expected to interest Hermione.

"Why d'you ask?" he said.

"Oh, I was just curious if all of what you said was true," Hermione said.  "Did Sirius _really_ say that about your robes?"

"Oh yes," Remus said.  "Then I told him he was a pretentious little twerp, which wasn't that far off.  After all, you couldn't spend eleven years in a family like his without thinking you were made of something better than flesh and bone."

"Then why didn't he look down on you for being a werewolf?"

"He thought it was cool," Remus said.  "They all did.  What twelve-year-old boy wouldn't want to turn into a ravening monster once a month?"

"Was it Sirius's idea for them to become Animagi?"

"You know, I really can't remember," Remus said.  "He and James thought so much alike that we suspected they had each gotten one half of the same brain.  At least, that's what I always said."

"But they were really smart, weren't they?" Hermione said.

"They were brilliant," Remus said.  "It was like a law of nature.  If Sirius and James didn't ace a test, then there had to be a mistake in one of the questions."

"Then if they were so smart, why did they do so many stupid things?"

"Intelligent isn't the same as sensible, Hermione," he said.  "Sirius and James loved danger, which I suspect was one of the reasons they hung out with me.  The prospect of getting caught never stopped them, it just made whatever they were doing that much more exciting."

"And what about you?" Hermione said.

"Me?  Oh, I was perfect.  I did my homework and made my bed and let them do whatever they damn well pleased."

"It can't have been easy, finding out Sirius was innocent," Hermione said quietly.

"It wasn't," Remus said.  "I didn't sleep for a week."

"Did you hear from Sirius much when he was in hiding?"

"Not much.  He wrote more to Harry than he did to me.  But I shouldn't be surprised, he always liked James better than me, and I think sometimes he got Harry mixed up with James…"  He sighed and said, "Forgive me, I've been babbling."

"No, don't apologize, you've been very helpful," Hermione said brightly.  "Oh look, there's Ginny, I really should go talk to her."

"Before you go –"

She looked at him inquiringly.

"I never thanked you for keeping my secret your third year."

"You shouldn't," Hermione said, "because I didn't do it out of the goodness of my heart.  I just didn't want to be stuck with another incompetent Defense teacher."  She smiled cryptically and left.

Remus began eating his mashed potatoes, which were already cold, and as he did so he realized that he really had no idea what he'd said that Hermione might find helpful.  But he comforted himself with the knowledge that whatever Hermione had planned was doubtless perfectly legal.

When Remus was finished eating, he got up and wandered around the room in search of Harry, whom he found talking to Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"Look what Kingsley gave me," Harry said as Remus approached; he displayed a sheaf of pictures all featuring Sirius.

"Well, it's not like I had any more use for them," Kingsley said lightly.

"Have you found anything?" Remus asked him.

"No, not yet," Kingsley said.  "I would've told you if I had.  Oh, there's Alastor, excuse me, gentlemen."

Kingsley strolled off and Remus looked at Harry.

"About ready to leave?" Remus said.

"What, already?"

"Oh, not for the Dursleys'," he said.  "We're going back to number twelve first."

After they had said their protracted goodbyes, Remus and Harry retrieved their broomsticks and went up to the roof, where protective charms had been placed so broom travelers could take off and land unnoticed.  They were just getting on their brooms when an owl swooped down and landed on Remus's arm, bearing a scroll in its beak.  Remus removed the scroll and inspected its seal as the owl flew off.  He recognized it as the Malfoy family crest.  The letter inside was short and direct.

_Mr. Lupin:_

_I was sorry to hear of my cousin Sirius Black's recent demise.  He was the last direct descendent of the Black line and as such inherited the Blacks' ancestral home at __12 Grimmauld Place__, __London__.  As one of Sirius's closest living relatives, I consider myself entitled to inherit the house; however, my attempts to visit the house in person and through the Floo network have failed.  You were one of Sirius's closest friends; if he has willed the house to you or another of your acquaintances, as I do not doubt he has, be advised that I intend to assert my right to inherit, and I have a team of excellent lawyers._

_Signed, Narcissa Black Malfoy_

Remus lowered the scroll and caught Harry giving him an inquiring look.

"Just one more thing to take care of," Remus said lightly, pocketing the scroll.

"What do the Malfoys want with you?" Harry said.

"Later," Remus said firmly.

Harry nodded, and they both mounted their brooms for the return journey.

When they arrived at number twelve, Remus led the way into the kitchen, chucking the broom into a corner and going straight for the pantry.

"Butterbeer, Harry?" he said over his shoulder.

"Yes please," Harry said, sitting down at the long table.  Remus joined him, bringing a butterbeer for Harry and an evil-smelling glass of firewhisky for himself.

"Do you think Sirius got everything we sent him?" Harry said, looking at Remus over his bottle.

"I don't know what happens on the other side of that veil any more than you do," Remus said.  "But I do believe he got everything we gave him."  

There were a few other issues he needed to discuss with Harry, one of which was his guardianship now that Sirius was gone.  They agreed that Dumbledore would be Harry's guardian, providing he agreed, and they would get a court date before the Wizengamot later in the summer to present their case.  

Then Remus told Harry about finding Sirius's diary.

"Can I talk to Sirius?" asked Harry at once.  "Do you have it here?"

"Not so fast, Harry, Albus told me that it'd be dangerous to write too much in that diary."

"Did he tell you why?" Harry said.

"Not exactly," Remus said.  "Why, do you know something about it?"

"Tom Riddle had one like it," Harry said.  "He used it to possess Ginny Weasley my second year, but she'd been writing in it for nearly a year.  And besides, Sirius wouldn't possess either of us, would he?"

"No," Remus said slowly.  "I don't believe he'd possess us."

"So can I talk to him?"

"All right," Remus said.  "I'll get you the diary, but don't talk more than half an hour or so."

He went up to Sirius's old room and brought Harry the diary and quill and ink, and while Harry scribbled, Remus sipped slowly at his drink and reread Narcissa's note with a frown on his face.

At last Harry, looking considerably happier, set the diary aside and took a draft from his bottle.  "What's that about?" he asked, indicating the note.

Remus let go of the parchment and it sprang back into a roll.  "Mrs. Malfoy is going to contest Dumbledore's claim to this house," he said, rubbing his eyes and taking another drink.

"Does she have a chance of getting it?"

"I don't know," Remus said.  "But as long as he keeps his secret, she won't be able to get in anyway."  After a pause he said, "So what did Sirius know?"

"Not a whole lot," Harry said.  "He said he didn't remember anything that happened after he fell through the veil, which I guess makes sense because he is a memory and you can't remember anything after you're dead.  And he said if I had any girl troubles, I should ask you, but I think he was joking.  Sorry," he added quickly.

"Oh, I'm not offended," Remus said.  "He knew what I was like with girls."

"What?" Harry wanted to know.

"Horrible.  I was so afraid one of them would find out that I didn't give them a chance.  I'm sure you'll find this hard to believe," he said with a touch of bitterness, "but I didn't get my first kiss until I was seventeen."

"Really?" Harry said.

"Yeah, and that was during a game of Truth or Dare.  Your father and Sirius teased me about that for _years_."

"Why, who was it?"

"I'd rather not say.  It was pretty bad."

"Try me," Harry said.

"Oh, all right, it was Peter."  
"_Pettigrew_?"

"Yep."

"You're right," Harry said, "that _is_ pretty bad."

"Somehow," Remus said, "I doubt you'll have that problem."

Harry's face turned an unusual shade of red.  "No, I won't," he said.

"Anyone I know?"

"Cho Chang, but it didn't work out," he said.  "She was more interested in crying on my shoulder than anything."

Remus made a sympathetic face.  "Still, at least she's a girl," he said.

"Yeah," Harry said fervently.

They were quiet for a minute, then Remus said, "I hate changing the subject, but do you know if Hermione has any plans about Sirius?"

"Sirius?" said Harry, frowning.

"Yes – well, today she was asking me what Sirius was like at Hogwarts.  She said she was just curious, but somehow I didn't quite believe her."

"I don't know why she would," Harry said.  "She told us this past year she thought Sirius was acting reckless and giving me bad advice and stuff like that."

Remus made an indeterminate noise.

"Do you think Sirius was acting differently last year?" Harry said, looking intently at Remus.

"I'm not the one to ask, Harry," said Remus.  "That night in the Shrieking Shack was the only time I saw him before he showed up on my doorstep the day after you got out of the maze.  And of course there's no way of knowing how Azkaban affected him.  He certainly didn't talk about it with me."

Harry drank the last of his butterbeer and then asked, "Do you trust Sirius?"

"I'm not going to pretend he hasn't done things that aren't exactly honorable," Remus said, "but I would still do anything for him."

"That's noble of you," Harry said quietly.

"Not entirely," Remus said.  "Wait here, there's something I want to give you before you go."

He left the room and returned a few minutes later with two mirrors.  He handed Harry the pocket-sized one and put the other, an adjustable makeup mirror, on the table.

"I've enchanted these the same way your father and Sirius did the other two, so you can talk to me without having to worry about being intercepted."

Harry pocketed his mirror and grinned at Remus.  "You know what, I think you're going to be my best father figure yet."

* * *

**Interesting Note:** When I was poking around in the dictionary, I found a possible source for the word "Wizengamot."  Apparently, a _witenagemot_ was an Anglo-Saxon national assembly that met to advise the king, and I think it's likely that JKR adapted the word for her own purposes.  Even if she didn't, it's still kind of cool.

**Boring Note: **I write because it makes me happy; I post in hopes of making you happy.  Please let me know if I am passing or failing.

^^^


	3. Rats!

But That's Ridiculous Chapter Three: Rats! 

Remus's official job for the Order was to convince the European werewolf community to support Dumbledore, but he found it frankly boring and anyway, werewolves only met once a month.  The rest of his time Remus spent in a far more pleasant fashion: He was a portrait painter based in Æturn Alley.  The job suited him perfectly for several reasons, the main one being the anti-werewolf legislation passed by Dolorous Umbitch two years ago, which essentially prevented anyone in Britain from employing Remus ever.  Æturn Alley also suited Remus's purposes; it was almost as crowded as Diagon Alley but without its strict supervision, and the clientele was much more polite than in Knockturn Alley.  So Remus set up his canvas and caused horsehair bristles to sprout from the end of his wand, and by getting to know his customers, he learned scads of interesting things, some of which even turned out to be useful.  That was how, on a shining summer day about a week after Sirius's memorial service, Remus came to be sitting before a blank canvas with Clyde Bickford on a stool in front of him.

"And where are you from, Mr. Bickford?" Remus inquired.

"Right here in London.  My shop's in the next street.  Ever been there?"

"I don't believe so," Remus said, studying the man's face, which appeared to be composed entirely of wrinkles.  There was an astonishing amount of hair sprouting from his nostrils.  "What do you sell?"

"Axes," Clyde said, shifting slightly on the stool.  "Me dad made axes, and his dad before him, 's far back as anyone can remember.  Business been falling off lately, though.  Can't imagine why.  Don't anyone need axes no more?"

"I really couldn't say," Remus murmured, now studying the blank canvas. 

"Say –"  Clyde smiled, revealing a line of small rotten teeth.  "You wouldn't happen to need an axe, would you?  Sharp enough to crack a troll's skull."

"Not at the moment," Remus said, "but if I ever do, I'll be sure to come straight to you.  What's your shop called again?"

"Bickford's Fine Axes, eighty-seven Knockturn Alley," Clyde said.  "If I had my choice I'd be right here in Æturn, but rents being what they are, I can't afford nothing better than that grubby little place in Knockturn, and well, you know what it's like there."

"Yes, I do," Remus said.  He had once been forced to spend a week there, during which he had slept a total of eight hours.

"I hate living in this here city," the old man said, scooting the stool up a bit and reflexively tugging at his nose hairs.  "Had to move here when me wife died, I couldn't keep up the house and my kids, they're the most ungrateful little brats.  One's a Healer up at St. M's, one's a security guard at the Ministry and one's married to a Quidditch player.  You'd think one of 'em could take their old dad in, or at least come help me de-gnome the garden every so often, I bought them their wands and robes and three new cauldrons every year, they blew up so many, but they didn't lift a finger, I had to sell the house and all the furniture, every stick, and not one o' them ever sends me so much as an owl on my birthday."

"That's terrible," Remus said.  "Where do you live now?"

"I rent the attic just over my shop," Clyde said.  "It's the awfulest place you ever saw, just so full of creatures I can't hardly sleep at night.  There's a nest o' doxies under my armchair, a boggart under the sink and somethin' that clicks in the bathroom, I don't know what.  The only creature 'sides me that's supposed to be there's my pet rat –"

"Pet rat?" Remus said.  "How long have you had it?"

"Few weeks, maybe.  Picked it up in the shop, it was crawling 'round on the floor looking for food so I brought it upstairs to maybe eat some of those creatures, but so far it don't eat nothing but toast crumbs and tea.  Spoiled, if you ask me."

"What kind of shape is it in?"

"Bit beat up, looks kind of scraggly – why d'you ask?"  Clyde looked at him suspiciously.

"Well – you see, my son's starting at Hogwarts this fall, and I was thinking about getting him an animal," Remus said.  "I can't afford an owl or a cat, but I might be willing to take the rat.  You say it's scraggly?"

"I think it had a bit of a hard time 'fore it got to me, but it's a tough one," Clyde said.  "I've been trainin' it in my spare time and I've nearly got it so it comes when I call.  Would you be interested in seein' it?"

"I sure would," Remus said.

"And bring your boy along too."

"It's meant to be a surprise," Remus said quickly.

The old man grinned, again showing his decayed teeth.

Remus finished the portrait in a state of high excitement.  Until he actually saw the rat, there was no way of knowing whether it was Peter or not, which did not prevent Remus from imagining the look on Peter's face when he forced him to show himself, back at number twelve.  After much haggling, Remus agreed to bring the portrait to eighty-seven Knockturn at four o'clock, at which time Clyde would pay him and Remus would be able to examine the rat.  The thought of bringing Peter home in a cage got Remus through the rest of the day, and at the appointed time Remus arrived at Bickford's Fine Axes with the portrait of Clyde under his arm.

Remus pushed open the door with his free hand and entered; a rusty bell rang somewhere and Clyde appeared in the gloom to direct him up a set of warped stairs to the attic.

It was quite as bad as Remus had imagined.  The main features of the single room were a ratty green chair with stuffing coming out all over, a lumpy mattress in one corner, and a wobbly table with matching chairs.  On top of the table was the rat, which even from a distance was unmistakably not Peter.  Remus feigned interest in it anyway, inspecting it while Clyde counted out the cash, and he almost bought it just because he felt sorry for the old man.  Instead he offered to banish the boggart, and Clyde accepted the offer with embarrassing haste.  Remus wished, as he left, that he had bought the rat, if only because the denizens of Knockturn Alley were less likely to steal it than a sackful of coins.

That was Remus's first rat, but not his last.  He set up live traps all over London and checked them daily; he routinely visited all seven magical creature shops; he stared obsessively into gutters and shadowy corners.  He even placed an ad in the Prophet asking for the return of his rat Binky, who was missing a toe, until he remembered that Wormtail was no longer missing a toe.  But his surveillance was in vain until Hagrid's massive head appeared in the fireplace at number twelve.  Less than two weeks previously, in a rare confidential mood induced by firewhisky, Remus had revealed his design for Peter's capture to Hagrid, which he had severely regretted doing until Hagrid informed him that he had caught a rat skulking around the Whomping Willow the day before.  Remus made immediate arrangements to meet Hagrid for tea at his cabin, rationalizing that the chance to snare Peter was worth whatever might result from an encounter with Hagrid's cooking.

Remus Apparated into Hogsmeade on yet another glorious day and walked up to Hagrid's.  The man himself was sitting outside his hut, knitting an immense hairy sock; he leaped to his feet as Remus approached.

"C'mon in, Remus, good t' see yeh," he said, flinging open the door.  "Sit down, tea's nearly ready."

Remus took the smaller of the two chairs, trying to dodge Fang's slavering greeting as Hagrid hunched over the stove making clattering noises.

"How're things here, Hagrid?" called Remus over the noise, absently scratching Fang in a way that made the hound whimper with delight.

"Pretty quiet," Hagrid yelled back.  "What with the students gone an' all."

Before Remus could think of a suitably snappy reply, the noise ceased and Hagrid came over to the table with a vat of tea and a roasting pan full of unidentifiable lumps.

"You're keeping busy, then?" Remus said, staring at the lumps as Hagrid poured tea.

"O' course, there's always somethin' needs done around here," Hagrid said.  "Gotta weed the garden, keep the grounds trimmed, patch up the school brooms, knit Olympe a pair o' socks – ar…"  Hagrid went furiously red.  "Went down to the forest t' other day," he said abruptly.

Remus made a polite, inquiring noise, idly picturing Olympe Maxime wearing brown hairy socks under her sleek robes.

"There's werewolves in there, y'know."

Remus scowled at Hagrid, wondering if the man expected him to get excited over the mention of his species.

"I met one, in fact," Hagrid pursued.  "Bout your age.  Nice brown hair.  I mentioned you to her and she was real excited.  She said you were famous."  Hagrid looked at Remus for confirmation.

"I am something of a celebrity in the werewolf world, it's true," Remus said shortly.

"Tha's wonderful," said Hagrid, beaming.  "Why – er, I mean what –"

"Oh, nothing splashy like Harry," said Remus.  "It's just that I was the first werewolf ever to be both student and professor at Hogwarts."

"Tha's wonderful.  Yeh know, this lady, Alice her name was, she seemed quite keen t' meet yeh –"

Remus groaned.  "Why does everyone insist on trying to set me up against my will?"

"But – but everyone needs a woman," Hagrid said uncertainly.

"In my case, a werewolf," Remus said.  "Right?"

"Well, o' course, yeh'd be happier that way," Hagrid said.  "It's nothin' t' be ashamed of."

"That's funny," Remus said.  "Because the world's been telling me the exact opposite all my life."

"Ar, you're a good man, Remus," said Hagrid.  "Don't ever let nobody tell you different."  Remus was about to prove Hagrid wrong when he continued, "Say, who's been settin' yeh up anyway?"

"Minerva," said Remus.  "She met one at the Hog's Head a week ago and told her I'd like to meet her, not that she bothered to ask me."

"What was she doin' there?" Hagrid said.  "Minerva, I mean.  Not on business, was she?"

"How should I know?" Remus said moodily.  "I haven't the slightest idea what she does for the Order, other than step in front of Stunning Spells."

"An' she did that for me," Hagrid said.  "Great woman, Minerva."

Remus made an indistinct noise into his mug.

"An' I kissed her once," Hagrid added, grinning.

"Hagrid!"  Remus almost dropped his mug.  "You do know she's married?"

"Jus' on the cheek," Hagrid said.  "I was drunk."

"I'll bet you were," Remus muttered, wondering how much Minerva had had to drink.  The corner of his mind that still thought of her as his Transfiguration teacher was thoroughly revolted.

"So who else's been settin' yeh up?" said Hagrid.

"Bill Weasley," said Remus.  "He met one God knows where and gave her my address, so she sent me a letter, it must have been two or three feet of parchment.  She'd had a crush on me for years, so naturally I couldn't go out with her."

"Why not?" Hagrid said.

"She thought I'd found out how to fly without a broom," Remus said.  "It was a bit much to live up to."

"Oh," Hagrid said.  "Now Bill Weasley, I've heard –"

"Yes, he's with Fleur Delacour," said Remus.  "I don't think his mother quite approves."

"You mean tha' pretty little girl who was Beauxbatons champion?" Hagrid said.  "What don't Molly like about 'er?"

"Well, I suppose it's because she's part veela," Remus said.  "I hear she had most of the male population of Hogwarts following her around."

"Harry told you that, did 'e?"

"Albus, actually," Remus said.  "He seemed to think it was funny."

"Course, he's too old to be affected," Hagrid said.  "Now, when he was teachin' Transfiguration –"

"Please, Hagrid," said Remus.  "I don't want to choke on my tea."

"Say, why haven' yeh had a scone?" Hagrid said.

Remus attempted to take one, but it was stuck to the side of the pan.

"No matter, jes' break it off," Hagrid said heartily.  "More tea?"

"No thanks.  Hagrid, if you don't mind, I'd like to see the rat now, please," Remus said.

"O' course," Hagrid said, bumbling to his feet.  "Now where'd I – arright, here we go."

Hagrid banged a cage onto the table, which contained a rat with one light-colored paw, and Remus's heart made a horrible leap.

"I'll have to have him out of the cage," Remus said, "so I can perform the spell on him."

Hagrid unlocked the door of the cage and as soon as the rat was loose, Remus shot the spell at it.  
Nothing happened.

"Try again," Remus said to himself, pulling the rat back by its scabby tail.  He performed the spell two more times, the only result being that the rat's fur began to smolder.

"Guess it's not Peter," said Hagrid sadly, picking up the rat and carrying it over to the sink.

"But it looked so much like him," Remus said over the running water and the squealing rat.

"There y'are, little feller," Hagrid said to the dripping rat, returning it to its cage.

Remus inspected the rat more closely.  "I guess it can't be Peter," he said.  "His right hand is the silver one and this rat's left paw is the lighter one."

"Sorry 'bout that, Remus," said Hagrid as they shook hands.

"No, it's not your fault, and I appreciate your help."

"Well, least this way I've got somethin' to feed the hippogriffs," Hagrid said, brightening.

Altogether it had been a disappointing afternoon for Remus.  Still, he continued his search unabated, and his optimism was rewarded when Molly Weasley dropped by number twelve, less than a week later.

"Hello, Molly," he said, raising his glass to her as she stepped out of the fireplace, shaking ash from herself.  "I haven't seen you in so long, I'd almost forgotten how gorgeous you are."

"Remus, are you drinking?" Molly demanded, advancing on him.

"No," he said, "I'm not.  I just poured the last of the firewhisky in this glass to admire its jewel-like color."

"I only bought that bottle of firewhisky three days ago," Molly said.  "Do you mean to tell me that's all there is left?"

"I'm not the only one that stays in this confounded place," Remus said.

"No, but you're the only one that never leaves," Molly snapped.

"Now that is absolutely not true," Remus said in injured tones.  "Normally by now I would be out painting portraits, but as you are no doubt aware, it's raining today."

"And that gives you license to stay in this disgusting place and drink yourself cross-eyed at ten in the morning, does it?"

Too late Remus realized that Molly was working herself into a dangerous temper.  "Now, Molly –"

"Get up," she snapped.  
"What?"

"Get up.  We're going to the Burrow, and you're going to have something decent to eat and tell me why you haven't got anything better to do than drink up that expensive firewhisky."

"But Molly, I haven't even got my robes on."

"At ten in the morning?  Remus Lupin, you are a lazy bum."

"It's burning up in here," Remus muttered, but he went and got his robes on anyway.

"Now get in the fire," Molly said when he returned.

Remus, already feeling snappish, complied.  He staggered out of the fireplace in the Burrow, followed shortly by Molly, who began making tea at once.

"Sit," she said to Remus, and he did.  She banged a plate of apple fritters onto the table and took the chair across from him.

"What exactly is your problem?" she said.

Wisely, Remus had filled his mouth with apple fritter and was incapable of answering.

"When you were teaching at Hogwarts, I heard nothing but good things about you," she began.  "You were the first Defense professor in ten years who could have gotten rid of a dementor.  You actually taught those students things they needed to know after the test.  You made them enjoy going to class, and I know how often _that_ happens.  You taught Harry how to save your best friend's life.  What would Harry say if he saw you now?  What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Shut up, for the love of Merlin, and I'll tell you," Remus snapped.  "Being at Hogwarts meant that I had an actual job and an actual purpose for the first time in my life, and it almost made me forget I wasn't human.  Now I'll never be able to do any work that matters, thanks to the Umbitch woman.  There's only one thing I care about and that's getting Peter, and God knows, I can't even do that."

"Does that mean you don't care about Harry?"

"Of course I do," Remus said.  "But really, what good am I to him?  He's already better than I'll ever be."

"That's ridiculous," Molly said.  "I know you're a good person."

"That's exactly what Hagrid told me," Remus said.  "Can't you people admit what I really am?  You just got done telling me I'm a spineless, gutless, lazy coward.  How come you can say it and I can't?"

"That's not what I meant," Molly snapped.  "At least _try_ to understand.  I know you're a good person, and that's why it bothers me so much to see you acting like this."

"Oh, what would you know about it?  You don't know what I'm thinking.  You never saw me at Hogwarts –"

"People change," Molly said.

"I haven't," Remus said.

"The Hat put you in Gryffindor."

"Yes," Remus said, "and look what a credit I am to my house.  Molly, I can't even stand up to my own friends."

"I can't believe you're blaming yourself for that," Molly said.  "You couldn't have done anything to keep Sirius from going to the Department of Mysteries –"

"Oh, I don't care about that," Remus said.  "The thing is, he wants me to keep Peter alive but I want to kill him, and I don't even have the courage to say so."

"I won't let you," Molly said.

"What?"

"Kill Peter," said Molly.  "You might be killed, and I don't – I can't stand any more deaths."  Molly began to cry and Remus thought oh God, not again.  Reluctantly he got up and rounded the table so Molly could cry on his shoulder more conveniently.

"You don't understand, I have to kill him," Remus said, patting her on the back.  "Otherwise I haven't got any reason to live."

"I told you you should have gotten married," Molly wailed.

"I told you, I don't want to get married," Remus snapped.  "Just drop the subject, would you?"

"But you need something to make life worthwhile –"

Just then Remus saw something slinking across the floor below the window.  It was a rat.

"Peter!" bellowed Remus, letting go of Molly and launching himself after the rat, which had already disappeared.

"You're insane," Molly said.  "There was no rat there."

"You weren't looking," Remus said, sitting on the floor and breathing hard.  "And I am not insane."

"You think Sirius is telling you things, don't you?  He's dead and gone, Remus, you need to accept that."

"But he _is_ telling me things," Remus said.  And he explained about the diary.

"I hope you know how dangerous those things can be," Molly said.

"Are they really?" Remus said.  "Well, don't tell Sirius that.  He'll be over the moon."

"I have half a mind to tell Sirius exactly what I think of him," Molly said.  "You don't have the diary here, do you?"

"No," Remus said.  "I sleep with it under my pillow."

Molly snorted.  "Don't be ridiculous," she said.  "Now, I want you to promise me you won't go running after Peter any more."

"Are you hard of hearing, woman?  I just got through telling you my life would be pointless if you didn't let me chase Peter."

"Surely there's something else you care about," Molly said.  "What about Quidditch?"

"It's fun, but not really worth staying alive for."

"I'm telling you," Molly said, "what you need is to fall in love."

"Please, anything but that," Remus said.  "I'll be good, I swear."

"Do we have a deal, then?" Molly said.  "You promise not to got looking for Peter, and I promise not to set you up with any beautiful, witty, charming, intelligent, rich werewolves?"  
Remus hated to give up the chase.  But reviewing his last few attempts to procure a rat, he had to admit that maybe it wouldn't hurt to relax his vigilance a bit.  And he really wanted Molly to get off his back about falling in love.

"All right," he said.  "We're agreed."

They shook hands and had an amicable lunch of apple fritters and pumpkin juice, although Remus was beginning to regret having given up the quest so easily.

As it turned out, it didn't make much of a difference, because Peter was also looking for Remus.

^^^ 


	4. Darker than Black

*****

**But That's Ridiculous**

**Chapter Four: Darker than Black**

Remus was in his accustomed place on Æturn Alley, in between customers, when Narcissa Malfoy walked up to him.

"Hello," she said.  "I'm Narcissa Malfoy."

"Remus Lupin," he said.  She extended her hand and he shook it.  She sat down on the stool that was reserved for his customers.  She was wearing a gray pantsuit that, aside from not being a robe, did not fit quite as well as he would have expected the clothing of Lucius Malfoy's wife to fit.

"What size canvas would you like?" he said.

"My portrait has already been painted by better than you," she said.  "I'm here to ask you about number twelve."

"Then I'll have to charge you for the use of my stool," he said.  "You're discouraging business."

"Where is it?" she said.

Remus did not pretend to believe that she was referring to his business.  "It's exactly where you'd expect it to be," he said.  "Between numbers eleven and thirteen."

"It's not there."

"Oh, isn't it?" Remus said.  "I'll have to go hunt it down after work."

"You know where it is," Narcissa said.

"Yes, I do," Remus said, "and I've just told you.  I don't know what more you want from me."

"Who did Sirius leave it to?"

"Albus," said Remus.

"I might have known," Narcissa said; she appeared unsurprised.  "I'm going to take him to court, you know."

"Why?" Remus said.  "It's a tasteless, gloomy, wretched old place."

"It's my family's house," Narcissa said.  "I don't want it taken over by Sirius's irresponsible friends."

"It's too late for that," Remus said cheerfully.  "Albus is letting me live there because I'm too poor to afford anything better."

"You used to teach at Hogwarts," she said.

"I did."

"Did it ever occur to you that you ruined your kind's chance for acceptance?"

"No, I always assumed that was Dolores Umbridge's doing," Remus said.

"I've never liked the woman," Narcissa said.  "She has no sense of how things ought to be done."

"I quite agree," Remus said.

Narcissa frowned at him and said, "How do you get into number twelve?"

"Generally, I use the front door," Remus said.  "Sometimes the fireplace."

"There's something you're not telling me," Narcissa said, "and you had better do it before I make you."

"And how do you intend to do that?" Remus said in an amused voice.

"I could have you arrested."

"I'm not doing anything."

"I could find five witnesses to say you were."

"That still wouldn't convince me to talk."

"I could give you Veritaserum."

"That's a better idea," Remus said, "but I don't quite see how you could do it."

"Let me show you," Narcissa said quietly, and put the Impediment Curse on him.  She took a tiny bottle from her pocket, loosened his jaw with a wave of her wand, and fed him the entire contents of the bottle.  No one tried to stop her.

"What is your full name?"

"Remus Jude Lupin."

"When were you born?"

"January third, nineteen-sixty."

"Why can't I get into number twelve?"

"Albus and a few others put a powerful Invisibility spell on the house.  We can get in because the object of the spell remains visible to its caster."

"Who were the ones that cast the spell?"

"Besides Albus and me, it was Minerva McGonagall, Alastor Moody, Rubeus Hagrid, and Sirius Black."

"Why those particular people?"

"Sirius offered us the house as a place for his friends from Hogwarts to get away from the school."

"Did you use the house as headquarters for any kind of subversive group?"

"No."

"Are you the only person who lives there full-time?"

"Yes."

"And what do you think of me?"

"I think you're a gorgeous ice cube."

"Jerk," she said, releasing him from the curse and walking away.

She wasn't actually that bad-looking, Remus reflected.  And he really needed to thank Severus.

Remus got his chance that very day.  He returned to number twelve at five o'clock, toting his unused canvases, to find the house full of chattering Order members, at which time he remembered they were going to have a meeting that night.

"You filthy monster," Mrs. Black screeched as Remus dumped his canvases in the front hall.

"You prejudiced old bat," he replied, but without his usual vigor; he was searching the crowd for either Dumbledore or someone who might know where he was.  Finally he spotted an unfamiliar old man wearing a dilapidated top hat and carrying a three-headed cane.

"D'you know where Albus is?" Remus inquired.

"Probably throwing more innocent people out of the kitchen," he said in a cracked voice.

"Thanks," Remus said.

He went straight to the kitchen, where he found Dumbledore making a salad, the sleeves of his robe rolled above his elbows and a look of intense concentration upon his wrinkly face.

"Albus, you'd be done so much faster if only you'd use magic," said Molly Weasley.

"Let him have his fun, Molly," said Arthur, who was assembling a casserole by hand.  "Oh, hello, Remus."

"Lo," Remus said.  "Albus, have you got a minute?  I really need to talk to you."

"Cannot it wait?" Dumbledore said.  "I'm quite enjoying myself."

"Yeah, I'll wait," Remus said, taking a chair at the kitchen table.

"Oh Remus, I was going to tell you," Molly said, "we're having a guest at dinner tonight."

"Oh yeah?" Remus said, wondering why Molly felt he needed to be informed beforehand.

"It's Minerva's friend," Molly said.  "You know, Deirdre."

"Who?" Remus said.

"Oh, _you_ know," Molly said.  "Hagrid told me he told you about her.  Minerva met her at the Hog's Head."

"Not the werewolf?" Remus said.

"Of course she's a werewolf," Molly said.  "And Minerva tells me she's got blue eyes."

"Molly, didn't we have a deal?"

"I _know_, but I told Minerva to invite her before that," Molly said.  "I couldn't just take the invitation back, it'd be terribly rude."

"As long as I don't have to talk to her," Remus said.

"Well, she's coming to see you, it'd seem odd if you didn't talk to her, don't you think?" Molly said.  "I do wish you'd put on some different robes before she gets here, the ones you've got on are rather scruffy.  Have you combed your hair today?"

"Molly, leave the poor man alone, he looks fine," Arthur said.

"_Thank_ you," Remus said.

"Molly, I'm finished," Dumbledore said.  "Remus, what do you need?"

"Can we step outside for a minute?" Remus said, glaring at Molly.

Once they were relatively sure of not being overheard, Remus told Dumbledore about his encounter with Narcissa.

"That's very interesting," Dumbledore said.

"Aren't you a bit worried?" Remus said.

"I _am_ the rightful owner of this house," Dumbledore said.  "In any case, I can do nothing until I appear before the Wizengamot.  And now I would suggest that you change your robes before our guest arrives, or Molly is likely to do it for you."

Unfortunately, Remus did not own a set of robes more presentable than the ones he was wearing.  Fortunately, he remembered that Sirius had left at least two sets of robes in his wardrobe, and with some difficulty he got the dark-blue ones to fit him.  Remus then returned to the kitchen, where he slouched around in bad humor until the doorbell rang and Molly told him to go answer it.  Feeling a sense of great foreboding, Remus went down the hall and opened the door.

Minerva McGonagall was standing there, along with the woman that Remus was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.

"Hello, Remus," said Minerva, striding past him into the hall.  "Come in, dear.  Remus, I'd like you to meet Deirdre Littlejohn.  Deirdre, this is Remus Lupin.  And would one of you please shut the old biddy up?"

Minerva disappeared into the gloom.  Mrs. Black screeched, "Oh, so there's two of you now, I suppose you're going to get married and bring a few more horrible little beasts into the world."

Wondering if indeed the whole world was conspiring to get him married, Remus managed to close the curtains over Mrs. Black.  "Don't mind her, she hates everyone," he said.

"Who is she?" Deirdre said.

"My best friend's mother," Remus said.  Noting happily that Deirdre seemed unable to think of a suitable reply, he said, "We'd better go in to dinner so Molly doesn't start harping at us."

"Who's Molly?" said Deirdre, following Remus down the dank hall to the kitchen.

"Oh, just some woman who thinks she's my mother," Remus said.

Just then they entered the kitchen and Molly said, "Remus, Deirdre, I've saved you a couple seats down at the end."

"Thanks," Remus muttered as they sat down.  Molly smiled broadly at the two of them.

"So Remus," said Deirdre, "what do you do now that you can't teach at Hogwarts anymore?"

"I paint portraits in Æturn Alley."

"That's wonderful," Deirdre said.  "I've always liked artistic men."

Alarmed, Remus tried to change the subject.  "And what do you do?" he said.

"I live with some others of our kind in the Golconda Forest," Deirdre said.

"Where's that?"

"I believe you know it as the Forbidden Forest," she said.

"Why do you call it Golconda?" Remus asked, becoming interested in spite of himself.

"I don't really know the reason for it," Deirdre said.  "It's been the Golconda for as long as I've lived there."

"And how long has that been?"

"A little more than two years," Deirdre said.  "I moved there after I lost my job, when the anti-werewolf legislation went through."

"I think we all lost our jobs then," Remus said dryly.  "So what sorts of things do you see in there now?  I haven't really been able to explore it since I was at school."

"I imagine pretty much the same things you used to see," she said.  "It's true that we don't see as many centaurs as we used to.  Our group has gotten so much bigger in the last two years that they do their best to avoid us.  Then about six months ago, a giant showed up in the forest, but we have no idea how he could have gotten there.  And just recently, I've been seeing a rat in a nearby clearing.  I think it's living there."

"Is it always the same rat?" Remus said.

"Yes, it is," Deirdre said.  "I can tell, because one of its front paws is lighter than the rest of it."

"Which paw, right or left?"

"I don't remember," she said, frowning.  "Does it matter?"

"Oh, I guess not," Remus said.  "It's just that I kept a pet rat when I taught at Hogwarts, but it escaped about halfway through the year, and I always wondered where it ended up.  Its right front paw was lighter than the rest of it."

"I'm sure that's your rat," Deirdre said, smiling.  "The next time I see it, I'll be sure to check.  So what was it like teaching at Hogwarts?"

They passed the rest of the meal amicably enough, and as supper was drawing to a close and Deirdre was preparing to leave, she said to Remus, "I don't know if you'd be interested, but there are about thirty of us living in the Golconda and if you'd like to visit, we'd be delighted to have you."

"I think I would like to visit," Remus said.  "It'd be great to be able to visit the forest again."

"That's wonderful.  Shall I – would you mind if I owled you?" Deirdre said, and Remus noted uncomfortably that she was blushing.

"No, that would be fine.  Now that you've been here, your owl should be able to find it."

"Great," she said.  "I'll be in touch."

"And keep an eye out for my rat, won't you?" Remus said.

To his relief, Deirdre seemed to have no inclination to kiss him, instead contenting herself with a handshake.  She left by Floo powder, and the moment she stepped into the flames, Molly hurried over, grabbed the sleeve of his robe, and demanded, "What did you think of her?"

"She's very nice," Remus said in a voice that could have meant anything.

"Oh, I _knew_ you'd like her," Molly said, sounding ecstatic.  "Are you planning to see her again?"

"I'm going to visit the werewolves in the Forbidden Forest to try to persuade them to support us," Remus informed her.

"Oh, that's marvelous," Molly said.

"Remus, Molly, you'd better sit down, the meeting's about to start," Minerva said in a voice that told Remus that she had overheard their entire conversation.  He scowled at Minerva, who fortunately did not notice since she had turned to look at Dumbledore, who was standing at the head of the table ready to start the meeting.

"First," Dumbledore said, "thanks are due to Molly and Arthur, who fixed our dinner tonight.  I trust you all ate as well as I did."  There was a smattering of applause, and then Dumbledore said, "Now I have some very important news for you all, which comes to us courtesy of Severus."

Snape inclined his head slightly, and Remus reminded himself to thank Snape after the meeting.

"We now know what Lord Voldemort plans to do, now that he no longer has access to the prophecy."

Every person in the room shivered simultaneously.

"He plans," Dumbledore said, "to capture a qualified witch or wizard, whom he will have perform a complete cosmetic restoration of his face."  Dumbledore smiled a little.  "It seems we have found Lord Voldemort's fatal weakness."

* * *

Four days after Narcissa Malfoy found out that Dumbledore had inherited the Black house, she brought her case before the Wizengamot.  Since Dumbledore could not take his seat among the justices, he selected Minerva McGonagall to take his place.  Remus waited outside the courtroom for the entire trial so as to know the outcome immediately.  The first person out of the courtroom was Narcissa Malfoy, and she looked angry even before she saw Remus.  It was the first time he had seen her express emotion of any kind.

"Would you let me into number twelve if I had an affair with you?" she demanded.

"Why would you want to have an affair with me?"

"You would only try to kill me once a month," Narcissa said.  "And besides, it would really piss my husband off."

As she walked away, it occurred to Remus that she might have been serious.

"You forgot the part where I'm totally irresistible," he yelled after her.

She gave him an enigmatic smile and got into the lift.

Remus turned around and saw Dumbledore standing next to him.

"If you're planning to have an affair with her, you have my blessing," Dumbledore said.

"Why would I want to?" Remus said grouchily.  "She's allied with the forces of evil and she has blonde hair."

"I thought that was why you _would_ want to," Dumbledore said.

"_What_?"

"I didn't say what you thought I said."

"Good," Remus said.  "I take it we won?"

"Yes, I did," Dumbledore said.  "Mrs. Malfoy really didn't have a case, since Sirius's will was perfectly legal.  Are you ready, Minerva?"

"Yes, I am," said Minerva, who had just come out of the courtroom.

"I'm afraid you'll have to excuse us, Remus, we're having dinner with the Minister."

At four in the afternoon? Remus thought.  "Tell him from me to die an early death," he said.

"I can assure you I will be thinking it," Dumbledore said.  "Come, Minerva, we're about to be late."

They walked off down the hall, chattering about something or other, leaving Remus alone and in a blacker mood than ever.  It was at times like these that he understood why most of the world was so anxious to have him married, for the simple reason that when you left a place, there was always someone to go with you.  Minerva and Albus, of course, were only good friends (at least Remus hoped they were only good friends), but that thought merely served to remind him that he no longer had any good friends.  They were all either dead or finks.

But Remus had no time to dwell on his dismal thoughts; as soon as he stepped into the street, he was assaulted by an irate owl, which it turned out was carrying an invitation from Deirdre Littlejohn to spend a day with the werewolves of Golconda Forest.  In a postscript, she added that she had not seen the rat, which she referred to as Lightfoot, since her return.  

Remus was therefore deprived of his main reason for visiting the forest, but he went anyway for diplomatic reasons.  He did not see Peter while he was there, and after being disappointed for a fourth time, he assumed that Peter had been gobbled up by some forest creature or other.  That was why he was so shocked, the day he returned to number twelve, to receive a scroll addressed to Moony in Peter's handwriting.

Remus could not imagine why Peter would be writing to him, so he took special care opening the scroll in case Peter had somehow succeeded in attaching a curse to it.  However, there was nothing inside except many lines in Peter's handwriting, which like him was short and round.

Moony, I expect you're wondering why I'm writing to you.  I'm not trying to curse you or poison you or track you down, wherever you are.  But you're the only other one of us left, and I don't have anyone else to ask.  Anyway, I suppose I'd better start at the beginning, which was a month ago, when the Dark Lord found out that I owe my life to Harry Potter.  It doesn't really matter why he got on the subject, but he can always tell when I'm hiding something from him, and he kept after me until he'd gotten the whole story out of me, about what happened that night in the Shrieking Shack.  Well, as you can imagine, the Dark Lord wasn't too pleased with what he found out, and obviously he couldn't keep someone in his service who was in debt to Harry Potter.  He was going to kill me, but he forgot to tie me up, so I transformed and ran away.  I went to live in the Forbidden Forest, and I stayed there until just recently when I saw a snake that looked like Nagini, that's the Dark Lord's pet snake, so I knew I had to get out of there.  The problem was I didn't have anywhere else to go, but that was when I remembered about that little house of yours.  I went there and I'm living in the shed right now, I didn't think you'd want me in your house, but you still aren't back so I decided to send you a letter and hope it finds you wherever you are.  If you get it and you read it and you can find it in your heart not to kill me, please let me live here.  I am sick of hating myself and I've realized that my whole life has been a mistake.  Maybe I should have turned myself in to the Ministry, but as far as I know they still think I'm dead and if I showed up and told them all of it, they would kill me as fast as they could.  I know you wanted to kill me too, but you listened to Harry when he said not to and maybe he will tell you the same thing a second time.  And like I said, I haven't got anyone else and I am pretty sure of getting killed whatever I do, so maybe it would be best if you got to do it.  But I hope you will spare me.  Come see me when you decide.  Sincerely, Wormtail.

When Remus had finished, he read the letter two more times and then sat there in the kitchen trying to decide whether to kill Peter or not.  After two hours, he knew what he had to do.

* * *

**Interesting Note:** A _Golconda_ is "a source of wealth, advantages or happiness," after a city in India that's famous for its diamonds (I got that out of the concise Oxford, 10th ed.).  I thought it was a fun word, so I borrowed it.

**Notes for Individuals:**

Amata, I love you for reading the story even if you don't like it.  That says a lot for your taste.

Vanyaria Darkshadow, I have plans for Remus's love life, and they don't involve werewolf love… sorry.

Kurohyou, you get a big gold star for reading every single piece of crud I post.  Oh yeah, and I wrote "Umbitch" on purpose, because that's Remus's cute little nickname for her.  You get another gold star for being an alert reader.

**The Final Note: **After posting "The Death of Severus Snape" against my better judgment, all I have to say is my theory has been proven right: The less care I take with my writing, the more people read it.  Now what I want to know is WHY.  Any ideas?  Put them in your review.

^^^


	5. The Redemption of Peter Pettigrew

*****

**But That's Ridiculous**

Chapter Five: The Redemption of Peter Pettigrew 

When Remus's mother had died a few years back, Remus had inherited the family home because, werewolf or not, he was still the only son.  Remus's parents had hated it because it was at least ten miles from civilization, which was precisely why the place was such a treasure to Remus.  It was there that Remus had gone after resigning the Defense post, and it was there that Peter was now hiding from pretty much everyone on the planet.  So Remus, taking as much food as he could carry, got on Sirius's old broomstick and traveled to his old house to talk to his old friend.

As Remus landed in the dusty grass in front of the house, there was absolutely no sign of life around the place.  Then he saw a rat crawl out from underneath the shed and change into Peter.

"Hello, Remus," he said.

"Hello, Peter," said Remus.

"Are you here to kill me?"

"I don't think so," Remus said.  "First, we need to go inside, so you can answer some questions for me."

"Sure," Peter said, following him to the door.  "Like what?"

"And get the broom, please, I don't want it left outside," Remus said, unlocking the door.

Peter trotted over to the broomstick and brought it inside.  "Is that Sirius's old Hairsplitter?" he asked Remus, who was making tea.

"Yes, it is," Remus said.  "Do you prefer biscuits or peanut butter crackers?"

"Ooh, peanut butter," Peter said, sitting down at the table as Remus poured their tea. 

"I knew you were going to say that," Remus said, taking the biscuits for himself.

"Well," Peter said, "what do you want to know?"

"I'm interested in knowing why you decided your life was such a big mistake," Remus said.  "Couldn't have been because your boss kicked you out, could it?"

"You believed me when I said that?"

"Well, it makes sense," Remus said.  "I was only surprised that it took him that long to figure it out."

"I could have said that to lure you here so I could kill you."

"I admit that thought crossed my mind," Remus said.  "You might not understand this, because you've spent most of your life trying to save your skin, so you'll have to trust me when I say that I don't care if I die."

"It really doesn't matter," Peter said, "because I can't kill you.  The Dark Lord snapped my wand."

"He's learning from his failed murder attempts, then," Remus said.  "So yes, I believe you, now would you mind answering the question?"

"Sorry, what was it?" Peter said.  "My short-term memory is terrible."

"Are you sure you aren't repenting just because you no longer have the opportunity to be evil?"

"Oh, but I do," Peter said.  "I could have lured you here to kill you anyway."

"No you couldn't," Remus said.  "Kill me, I mean."

"I could beat you up."

"You were terrible at hand fighting."

"Fine, you're right," Peter said.  "I was too incompetent to be cool, so I tried to be evil and I screwed that up too, and I guess all that's left for me to do is pathetic."

"Back up a minute," Remus said.  "Petty thievery, vandalism, bullying and rule-breaking are cool?"

"James and Sirius were cool," Peter said.  "If they stole people's underwear from the laundry room, that was cool.  If they broke into the prefects' bathroom after curfew, that was cool.  If they –"

"Right, I get it," Remus said.  "All your life you've followed other people's moral standards, and now I'm the only one left to take them from.  Am I right?"

"It sounds so much sleazier when you put it that way," Peter said.

"Well, you're out of luck," Remus said, folding his arms.  "I'm not any better than the rest of them."

"You never did any of that crap," Peter said.

"No, but I let them."

"You're being an idiot, Remus," said Peter.  "Nothing you could have said or done would have stopped them from doing exactly what they wanted.  And if you'd tried, they would've ignored you and you would never have been able to make them feel rotten, like you did."

"I wasn't thinking of it like that," Remus said.  "I thought they would listen to me and not saying anything made me a coward."

"Maybe you were, but that was the best thing you could have done," Peter said.

"Boy, is _that_ messed up," Remus said, shaking his head.

"Well," Peter said, "it's fitting, at least."

"You're damn straight," Remus said, pouring another cup of tea.  "So what is it you want, exactly?"

"Just to live here," Peter said.  "Unless you are.  But you aren't, are you?"

"No," Remus said, "I'm living in Sirius's parents' house."

"That old mausoleum on Grimmauld Place?"

"Yep," Remus said.  "It's not exactly mine, but I'm allowed to live there.  I can't tell you any more than that, but that's okay because there's other important stuff I have to tell you."

"Go on, I'm listening," said Peter, who was slurping his lemon wedge.

"Sirius wants me to keep you alive," Remus said.  "Don't ask me how I know that, I'll tell you later.  I don't know why, because he can't be bothered explaining his plans to the likes of me, but I think I know anyway.  The point is, would you be willing to take Veritaserum and confess to betraying the Potters and all the rest of it?"

"Sure thing," Peter said.  "It's about time Sirius stopped stealing my thunder.  No, I'm only joking."

"Great," Remus said.  "Now I just need to convince Albus and the rest not to give you to the Ministry."

"But they still think Sirius did it," Peter said.  "Right?"

"Officially, yes," Remus said.  "Unofficially, I think they finally believe what Albus told them about you being alive, so now they're looking for some proof."

"In other words, me."

"Right."

"But you need witnesses for the confession to make it legal, right?" Peter said.

"Respectable witnesses," Remus said.  "In other words, not me.  Albus, and Minerva, and Arthur if we can get him."

"I'm so screwed," Peter said.

"Probably," Remus said.

"But what's the point of confessing if Sirius is dead?" Peter said.

"I suspect he doesn't want his memory tarnished," Remus said.  "But I'm going to have to ask him."

"But he's dead, you can't ask him anything."

"Oh, shit," Remus said, "I knew this was coming."  Then he explained about the diary.  He was getting quite good at it.

"Have you got it with you?" Peter said.

"Yup."  Remus took it out of his pocket.  "Oh, hell, I forgot to bring the ink."

"You could write in tea, couldn't you?"

"Yes, or – maybe the coffee instead."

Once the coffee was brewed, Remus opened the diary and explained the situation to Sirius.

"He wants to know if I accidentally pissed in the ink pot," Remus said to Peter.  "What an idiot."

"Tell him to piss off," Peter suggested.

"He says he's sick of taking the blame because you turned out to be a traitorous coward, and he's going to get his revenge on you."

"Tell him he can't haunt me, he's not a ghost," Peter said.

"And he's telling me to convince Albus any way I can and to hurry up and get the confession before you fake your death and go live in a sewer somewhere," Remus said.  "Thanks so much, Sirius, now I know _exactly_ what I'm going to say to Albus."

"Has he always been such a piece of shit, or is this new since he died?" Peter said.

"No, I think this is his original shittiness," Remus said, slapping the diary shut.

"Gee," Peter said happily, "it's just like old times."

"Now I don't want you getting the wrong idea," Remus said.  "I'm not going to kill you, but not because I don't want to.  You betrayed the Potters, you killed Cedric Diggory and you helped bring Voldemort back, which I think we can agree makes you a pretty rotten person.  It's just that I'm dumb enough, or naïve enough, to think that there's some hope left for you, and the rest of us."

"I know I'm a rotten person," Peter said, "and I really hope you're right."

"Thanks."  Remus smiled.  "By the way, I brought you some food," he said, unloading his pockets onto the kitchen table.  "And now I have to go talk to Albus."

Of course, he didn't go talk to Dumbledore, at least not right away.  There were still a few things he needed to know.  So he returned to number twelve, found some real ink, and asked Sirius what exactly he was planning to do with Peter.

Sirius replied, You just talked to me an hour ago.  Can't it wait?

_This is important, damn you.  Answer the question._

I can't believe you haven't guessed already.

_I have an idea, but I want to hear it from you._

Well, what do you think I'm going to do?

_I think you're going to make Peter write in this diary so you can possess him._

You're pretty close.  What I'm actually going to do is make him write in this diary so I can take his life force and come back to life.

_Would that mean that Peter dies?_

I'm taking his life force, you nincompoop, what does it sound like to you?

You can have your life force taken away and still not die, like with the Dementor's Kiss.  Is that what's going to happen to him?

Well, to be honest with you, I don't know what's going to happen.  No one's ever successfully come back to life through a diary, so I won't know until I do it.

_If you do it._

What's that supposed to mean?  
It means that I don't think you should do it.

I thought you wanted to kill Peter.

I thought you had changed your mind about killing him.

You aren't saying that he doesn't deserve it?

Harry had more reason to see him dead than either of us and yet he spared him.  Doesn't that make you feel the tiniest bit ashamed of yourself?

It's not like we're just going to murder him, it's more like an exchange – his life for mine.

Oh, so that's what this is about?  You want him to give up his life so you can be alive again?  This has got to be the most selfish plan you've come up with in your entire life.

You forgot I've already died, you insensitive prat.  And you didn't always think my plans were so selfish.

_What do you mean?_

Becoming Animagi.  You didn't try to talk us out of that, did you?

No, I didn't, and that was selfish of me, but on the other hand, it didn't involve killing anyone.

But you never told us we were out of line any other time.

Maybe that's because I never had the balls to, until now.

And why do you now?  
I don't know, I'm just sick of doing what you think is right and ignoring what I think is right, and I'm not going to let some dead guy tell me what to do, even if it is you.

So you think you're a hero now, do you?

In answer, Remus slammed the diary shut.  Then there was a stretch of time during which he recorded no memories, and when it was over the diary was again open in front of him.

_Did you just possess me, you little bastard?_

Yes, actually, I did.  And if the next person that writes in this diary isn't Peter, then I'm going to take your worthless little soul instead.

I have a better idea.  How about I go explain the situation to Peter and see if he'll do it voluntarily.  I'm sure I'll be able to convince him, especially if I tell him you threatened to possess me instead.

Yes, I'm sure that'll have him begging for the quill.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to try to convince Albus that this is a good idea, which will be quite hard considering that I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Remus really wanted to say something snotty, but he knew he couldn't afford to piss off someone who could possess him without warning, so he flipped the diary shut and said, "Someone that manipulative should've been in Slytherin."

He felt something twang in his brain.

"Get out of there," he growled, and decided to talk to Albus.

"I hope it's important," Dumbledore said.  "I'm right in the middle of a game of chess."

"Sirius wants to have Peter write in the diary so he can take his life force and come back to life," Remus said.

"How does he plan to contact Peter?" said Dumbledore.

"Oh, I forgot you didn't know," Remus said.  "He's – er, at my house."

"With your consent?"

"Er – well, I suppose my implicit consent."

"Don't you think you ought to let Kingsley know?"

"I would, only Sirius threatened to possess me if I didn't do what he wanted."

"Don't you think you can fight possession?" Dumbledore said.

"I don't think I've got the strength of personality," Remus said.

"Oh, but I think you do."

Remus didn't quite know what to say to that, so he said, "D'you think you could get Snape to give Peter some real Veritaserum and witness his confession?"

"I don't think so," Dumbledore said.  "I cannot afford to look as though I am undermining the Ministry's authority.  I suggest you ask Severus about the Veritaserum yourself.  And now I must ask you to excuse me; the chess pieces are getting restless."

"Thanks for the advice," Remus said.

"Anytime," Dumbledore said, and winked.

* * *

"Sure, I'll do it," Peter said.

"What?" Remus said, shocked.  He hadn't even gotten to the part about Sirius threatening to possess him yet.

"I said I'll do it."

"But why?"

"A couple reasons, really," Peter said.  "I figure that for everything I've done, I ought to die, and I will no matter what.  So I think it'd be a fitting way to go, and a way to do my friends one last good turn, and it'd probably be less scary than the Dementor's Kiss."

"Oh, I don't know," Remus said.  "I personally think the idea of being taken over by Sirius is quite a scary one."

"Yes, but walking around with no soul?" Peter said.  "Of course, I guess I don't have enough soul left to matter much if it was gone."

"You might be a horrible person," Remus said, "but you're not _that_ horrible."

"Gee, thanks," Peter said sourly.

Remus managed to convince Snape to provide the Veritaserum, but the confrontation was long and embarrassing and ended with Remus unwillingly testing Snape's store of Veritaserum, just to make sure it was real, of course.  The other witnesses were Minerva McGonagall and Molly and Charlie Weasley, the only people who were both respectable and not answerable to the Ministry.  Peter confessed to everything, including spiking Remus's pumpkin juice at a long-ago Christmas tea and hexing Remus's socks.  Once everyone else had gone, Remus gave Peter a selection of quills, a dozen bottles of ink and the diary.

"Let me know if you run out of anything, won't you?" Remus said.

"Okay," Peter said.  "I don't know how long this'll take, but if I don't see you again, I just wanted to tell you that I didn't really mean it when I said you were ugly and fat and bad at dancing."

"You were right," Remus said.  "I _was_ bad at dancing."  Then he turned around and left, before he could start sniveling.

Remus flew straight back to number twelve and was reflexively pouring himself a firewhisky when he heard a plaintive voice he recognized as Harry's saying his name from upstairs.  He ran up to his room and sure enough, there was Harry's face in the enchanted mirror.

"Harry?" said Remus, sitting down in front of the mirror.  "What on earth's the matter?"

"It's not that big a deal," Harry said, which Remus knew was a lie just by looking at him.  "Only I've been having these odd dreams the last few nights."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well –"  Harry blushed.  "They're sort of embarrassing."

Remus almost laughed with relief.  "Harry, _everyone_ has those sort of dreams."

"So they're not really happening?" Harry said.

"I think it's safe to say they're not."

"Well, that's a relief," Harry said.  "So nothing bad's been happening, then?"

Remus said "No" a little too quickly.

"I think you're lying," Harry said sternly; Remus wondered if Harry had accidentally learned some Legilimency from Snape.  "Tell me what's going on, please."

"Peter's been found," Remus said.

"Is he going to die?"

"Yes, he is," Remus said.  "I'm just not sure when."

"Is there anything we can do?"

"No," Remus said.  "He's going to have to die, and I think he knows he deserves it.  But the good news is that since he's confessed to betraying your parents, Sirius is now an innocent man."

"He was always innocent," Harry pointed out.

"Well, you know what I mean."

"So have you talked to him?" Harry said.  "Peter, I mean."

"Yes," Remus said, "I have."

"What did he say?"

"He said his life was a big mistake," Remus said.  "He also wanted to tell you that he's terribly sorry for having betrayed your parents and that you are the most noble person he's ever met."

"He can't have met too many decent people, then," Harry said.

"Considering who he's been working for for the past sixteen years, I'd say you're right," Remus said.

"So he's not working for Voldemort anymore?" Harry asked.

"No," Remus said, and repeated what Peter had told him.

"That's got to be pretty embarrassing for Voldemort," Harry said thoughtfully.  "I mean, he's already tried to kill me about a dozen times, and then not even being able to kill a wandless man…"

"I sure hope it's embarrassing," Remus said emphatically.  "Might remind him that he's not quite so invincible as he likes to think."

"Yes, I suppose," Harry said.

"Well," Remus said, "is there anything else you need to know?"

"I think that's all, thanks," Harry said.

"Er – Harry?" said Remus.  "Do you ever wish you hadn't saved Peter?"

"I used to," Harry said.  "But not anymore.  Not after what you said today."  He smiled.  "Thanks a lot, Remus."

Putting away the mirror afterwards, Remus wondered why he felt like such a rat.

* * *

**Boring Note:** When I opened up my inbox and found all your wonderful reviews, I was so excited my hands were shaking.  Now, here is my attempt to satisfy your curiosity.

Narcissa is going to reappear in chapter six, which is not intended to piss anyone off. (!)

Hermione is indeed up to something, but we won't find out what it is for a while.

In #4, Snape gave Narcissa fake Veritaserum to use on Remus.  In #6, she reveals a secret that explains, indirectly, how he can get away with it (among other things).

Are you tantalized yet?  Is Peter too good to be real?  And am I writing Harry as badly as my sister claims?  Let me know what you think.


	6. Remus's Love Life Goes to Pieces

*****

**But That's Ridiculous**

**Chapter Six: Remus's Love Life Goes to Pieces**

Remus was always secretly glad when he woke up and it was raining, because that meant he was free to leave his canvases in the house and spend his time however he liked.  On one particular rainy day, that meant an entire blissful morning in the Diagon Alley library founded by Roderica Alix Ravenclaw, daughter of Rowena.  Then when it was time for lunch he went to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor and bought a sundae with three scoops of ice cream resting on a pool of chocolate syrup, and sat underneath a dripping umbrella reading a fascinating new treatise on the behavior of grindylows.

Remus's table shuddered and he looked up.  Narcissa Malfoy was standing there looking inquiringly down at him.  "May I sit here?" she said.

"Of course," Remus said, moving his bag off the chair so she could sit.  "What brings you into town on a day like this?"

"I was looking for you," she said.

"I'm flattered," Remus said.  "What do you want?"

"To ask you something," Narcissa said, tucking her curly blonde hair behind one ear.  "Have you seen Peter Pettigrew recently?"

"I don't see why you need to ask me that question," Remus said.  "I thought your husband was seeing him on a regular basis."

"A month ago Pettigrew left the service of the Dark Lord," Narcissa said.  "He has not been seen since."

"I didn't think you could just _leave_ the service of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Pissed-Off," Remus said.

"Pettigrew ran away," Narcissa said.

"I'm not surprised," Remus said.  "He's done it so often, he must be quite good at it by now.  Do you want some ice cream?"

"Yes," Narcissa said, which surprised Remus because he found he could not imagine the snooty Mrs. Malfoy eating ice cream.  He handed her his spoon and she took a spoonful, eating it with one hand cupped underneath it so as not to drip ice cream on her glistening gray traveling cloak.  She then returned the spoon and said, "So have you seen Pettigrew or haven't you?"

"I have not," Remus said.  "Why haven't you asked at the Ministry?"

"I have, but they wouldn't be able to catch him if he wandered into the building," Narcissa said.  "And besides, you're his school friend and I thought you might have helped him out."

"He betrayed two of my other school friends," Remus said.  "What do you _think_ I'd do if he asked me for help?"

"You'd probably try to kill him," Narcissa said.  "You almost did once, after all."

Remus regarded her thoughtfully.  "Are you a Death Eater?" he said.

"No."

"Why not?"

Narcissa appeared to choose her words carefully.  "I would be more of a liability than an asset," she said.

"Why?"

"I have a disease," she said.

"Really?" Remus said.  "Which one's that?"

"Really.  It's called veritamorbus," she said reluctantly.  "I know you're going to ask what that means, or maybe not – your Latin was pretty good at school.  It means that I must tell the truth."

"Under what circumstances?" Remus said.

"I have to reply truthfully to direct questions," Narcissa said.  "I also have a tendency to tell the truth most of the rest of the time."

"How do you get the disease?" Remus said.  "I mean, am I going to get it because you used my spoon?"

"No one knows why certain people have it," Narcissa said.  "They're studying it at St. Mungo's, so I have to go up there for tests every two or three weeks."

"How many other people are there with the disease?"

"I only know of three others," Narcissa said.

"Pity there aren't more," Remus said, eating some of his melted ice cream.

"So what else do you want to know?" Narcissa said with a touch of bitterness.

Remus put down his spoon and said, "Why did you come here to ask me about Peter when you knew you'd have to answer all my questions truthfully?"

"My husband told me to find out what I could about Pettigrew," she said.  "And I – shit – I wanted to talk to you again."

"I'm flattered," Remus said, and continued eating his ice cream.

"Aren't you going to ask me anything else?" Narcissa said after a minute.

"I should probably be asking you a hundred questions right now, but I can't think of a single one.  And besides, it doesn't seem quite fair to ask you things just because you have to answer, does it?"

"No, it doesn't," Narcissa said.  "I'm glad you feel that way."

"I bet you are," Remus said.  "I would be interested in knowing why you wanted to talk to me again, though."

"Are you sure you don't want that to be a question?" Narcissa said, showing a tiny smile.

"Yes, I'm sure," Remus said.  "I want you to have the chance to lie if you like."

"Well, I think you're a fascinating person," she said.  "And that's the truth."

"Thank you," Remus said, smiling.

"I should go," she said, standing up and flipping the hood of her cloak over her hair.

"I'm sorry," Remus said.  "I mean – your disease must make life difficult."

"It does," she said.  "Could I – damn – could I see you again?"

Remus opened his mouth to say something, he didn't know what, and his mind went black.  When it returned, he saw Narcissa and heard her saying, "When do you work?"  She frowned at him and said, "What just happened?  You sounded strange."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what possessed me," Remus said.  "Oh, I work almost all the sunny days and none of the rainy ones."

"I'll be at the library the next rainy day," she said.  "All right?"

Remus felt the blackness impending, so he said quickly, "I'll be there too, and I'll most likely be browsing the recent periodicals."

"Thanks for all your help," she said.

"It was nothing," Remus said and watched her walk away, wondering uneasily what he had gotten into.  Suddenly he had a nasty thought: what if Lucius asked her a seemingly innocuous question, as he had done, and she had to tell him everything?  Another nasty thought followed: what if Lucius had intended her to spy on him?  And why had Sirius made him say he'd meet her again?  To that question, at least, Remus felt sure he knew the answer.  Feeling more than ever as though the world was conspiring against him, Remus paid for his sundae and returned to number twelve.

There he found Bill Weasley sitting at the kitchen table reading yesterday's Prophet.  He looked up when Remus came in and said, "Hey, I was wondering when you might be back."

"What're you doing here?" Remus said.

"I'm on my lunch break," Bill said.

"Ah," Remus said, thinking of his own lunch break and going unintentionally red.

"I recognize that look," Bill said gleefully.  "Who's the lucky lady?"  
"For your information, I look like this because I spend my lunch break looking at dirty pictures in the library," Remus said, more defensively than necessary.  "Want some firewhisky?"

"No, I've got to be getting back soon," Bill said.  "By the way, Hagrid stopped over while you were gone.  He's invited you for dinner at his place this evening, and he also said to wear those nice blue robes of yours."

"They aren't mine," Remus said, vaguely wondering what this was about.  He hoped it was not some sort of culinary innovation.

"Well –" Bill got up from the table – "I'd best be getting back.  I'll be seeing you, Remus."

"Yup," he said, watching Bill disappear into the fireplace.  When he was gone Remus went into the pantry and discovered there was no more firewhisky.  He assumed Bill had finished it, and, grumbling, had pumpkin juice over ice instead.

That evening Remus arrived at Hagrid's hut prepared, he thought, for whatever lay ahead.  As the door opened and a skinny girl hurried out to greet him, Remus realized that there was at least one scenario he had not imagined.

"Hello," she said.  "I'm Alice."  She was unhealthily thin and she had mouse-brown hair, which was all Remus noticed about her.

"Alice?" he said, frowning.  "I know you from somewhere… wait, are you that saleswitch from Gladrags?"

"No," she said, looking puzzled.  "We – uh, met a while back, you know, in the forest?"

"Oh, the _for_est," Remus said.  "I'm sorry, I have such a hard time keeping all the Alices straight."

"It's okay," Alice said.

Remus saw Hagrid emerge from his hut and said in a loud voice, "Oh, hello there, Hagrid."

Alice turned around to look at Hagrid and Remus took the opportunity to give Hagrid his dirtiest look.

"You c'n come up, if yeh like," Hagrid said.  "Dinner's nearly ready."

"I think we will, thanks," Remus said and headed immediately for the hut, followed by Alice.  Hagrid stepped aside to let them in and Remus saw, to his horror, three lit candles on the table.

"Hagrid," he said, "you're going to burn the place down."

"Not t' worry," Hagrid said, indicating a bucket of water in one corner.  "Sit down and I'll serve yeh the stew."

As Hagrid slopped stew into each of their bowls, Remus and Alice were both miserably silent.  At least Remus was miserable; it was hard to tell how Alice was feeling because she refused to look him in the eye.

Hagrid clanged the stew pot onto the table in front of him and began eating out of it.  "Alice was tellin' me how she was impressed with yer speakin' – what was the word you said?"

"Eloquent," Alice said.  "You're very eloquent."

"She's so excited t' see yeh, she can' say a single word," Hagrid said, winking at Remus.

"I _can_ talk, Hagrid," she said irritably.

"She can' hardly shut up around me," Hagrid confided to Remus.

"Sounds like you get along famously," Remus said, earning himself two pained looks.  "So, how often do you two talk?"

"Bout once a week," Hagrid said, looking at Alice, who nodded.  "And all we ever talk about is you," he added in a warning tone.

"It's great how you two have so much in common," Remus said brightly, taking a sip of pumpkin juice and observing the effect of his words on Alice.

"Alice," said Hagrid desperately, "weren' you tellin' me t' other day that one o' you was missin'?"

"Deirdre," said Alice, looking for the first time straight at Remus.  "No one's seen her for three days and we're getting really worried."

"Deirdre?" said Remus, putting down his glass.

"Yes," Alice said.  "Were you two –"

"Were we what?" Remus said.

"Involved," she said in a tiny voice.

Remus snorted.  "Don't be ridiculous, of course not," he said, and immediately wished he had lied because Alice looked so pleased.  "Don't tell Molly," he said to Hagrid.  "She would be so disappointed."

"Yeh'll have to tell her sometime," Hagrid said.

Remus shrugged and said to Alice, "When was the last time you saw Deirdre?"

"Three days ago she went into London to buy some curry powder," Alice said, "and she hasn't returned."

"_Curry_ powder?" Remus said.

"We're quite fond of it," Alice said.

"Tha's a coin – cuin – strange thing to have happen," Hagrid said.  "Remus lives in London, don'cha, Remus?"

"Two people in a city of seven million.  That _is _a coincidence," Remus said.

Remus surveyed Alice surreptitiously as he spoke and was pleased to note the expression of disapproval on her face.  "If you'd like," he said to her, "I can keep an eye out for her while I'm working.  I don't know if Hagrid's told you, but I paint portraits in Æturn Alley."

"That would be nice of you," Alice said, looking as though she wasn't sure whether to believe him capable of niceness.

The rest of dinner was equally strained and Remus left as soon as he could.  He went around to the side of the house, where he had put his broom, and realized that the laces on one of his boots were untied.  Remus sat down directly below the window and began to retie them.

"He must've been havin' a bad day," he heard Hagrid saying apologetically over the clamor of the table being cleared.  "He's a wonderful person, Remus."

"Well, he sure didn't act like it," Alice snapped.  "When he talked to us all in the forest he sounded so kind and understanding and sympathetic and I was so excited to be meeting him at last, and then it turns out he's a complete and utter prick."

Remus poked his head through the window and said, "I actually _am_ kind and understanding and sympathetic, but I am also fallible and I have bad days, which I'm sure you do too."

Remus stayed there a second longer than necessary because the look of shock on Alice's face was so enjoyable, then he ducked down and began searching for his broomstick in the dark.

"Remus?" said Alice.

He stood up and almost collided with her because she was hanging so far out the window.  "Yes?"

"I'm a complete and utter bitch," she said.  "Will you please forgive me?"

"Of course," Remus said, and he immediately wished he hadn't said that because she kissed him.  "Oh, thank you _so_ much," she said and then disappeared back inside the hut.

Remus hunkered down and resumed his search for the broomstick; inside he could hear Alice saying ecstatically, "He's such a normal, down-to-earth kind of person and so forgiving, and oh Hagrid, I think I might be in love."

Remus hoped very much, as he flew away from the hut, that it would not occur to Hagrid to bring Alice to the next Order dinner, and also that no one would mention any of the evening's adventures to Molly Weasley.

Unluckily, when Remus returned to number twelve, he found not one but three Weasleys sitting at the kitchen table, along with Minerva and Dumbledore; Arthur and Bill were absorbed in a game of wizard chess and the others were talking, or they were until Remus entered the room.

"Well, look who's coming home late," Molly said.

"It's quarter after nine, Molly," said Remus.  He thought he heard either Bill or Minerva snort.

"And don't you look nice," Molly added.

"Mother, please," Remus said.

"Hagrid said he invited that nice Alice girl to have dinner with you," Molly said, undeterred.

"So you didn't put him up to it?" Remus said.

"Remus, of course not," Molly said.  "So what did you think of her?"

"Oh, she was a real bitch," Remus said.  "But she thought I was a prick, so it all worked out."  Turning to Minerva, he said, "She told me that Deirdre was missing."

Minerva looked startled.  "Is she really?"

"That's what Alice told me," Remus said.  "Why, is it important?"

"Maybe," Minerva said faintly; she and Dumbledore exchanged looks and they both left the room.

Remus slumped in Minerva's abandoned chair.  "No one ever tells me anything around here," he said irritably.

"Of course we do," Molly said.  "Now, what color are Alice's eyes?"

* * *

It was raining so hard that the drops actually stung when they hit, and that was the only reason Remus was running along Diagon Alley toward the library.  He was almost dreading his meeting with Narcissa, partially because he was afraid he would find Lucius Malfoy there waiting to kill him, and partially because he was afraid he was somehow transmitting important Order information in her presence.  That was why he felt suddenly queasy when he saw her standing next to a rack of periodicals pretending to read something in _Potions Digest Monthly,_ but he walked up to her anyway.

"What's that you're reading?" he said.

Narcissa glanced up at him.  "It's called 'Faint or Feint?: An Examination of the Effect of Orris Root in the Clypeus Potion.'"

"Hmm," Remus said, looking at it over her shoulder.  "Who's it by?"

"Someone named S.L. Snape."

"He's a quack," Remus said.  "Did you read his last article?  It was some rubbish about dandelion juice improving the memory – let me see if it's here –"

"I haven't read it, and I wouldn't mind seeing it, but I think we're bothering these people," Narcissa said, indicating the other occupants of the room, some of whom were indeed giving them dirty looks.

"Okay, let's go," Remus said, locating the correct journal and stowing it in his pocket as Narcissa led the way to a wing of the library that Remus rarely entered.

"There's a bunch of study rooms down here," Narcissa said, turning down a darkly paneled corridor, "so we won't have to worry about bothering anyone."

Remus suddenly had another nasty feeling about the whole business, but Narcissa had already walked into one of the rooms and he didn't know what to do except follow her.

There was a long wooden table in the room with chairs on each side, and they took seats across the table from each other.

"I wish you would have disguised yourself," Remus said.  "Someone could have recognized you."

"What does it matter?" Narcissa said.  "They don't know we're on opposite sides."

"It might matter," Remus said.  "What would your husband do if he found out you were meeting the enemy at the library?"

"I don't know," she said.  "I've never met the enemy at the library before."

"Speaking of which," Remus said, "why _are_ you doing this?"

"Because I like being around you," she said.  "And I was – damn – I was hoping you'd sleep with me."

"What do you think your husband would do if he found out about that?"

"Probably tie me to a tree," Narcissa said.  "But he can sleep with whoever he wants, and I don't see why I can't do the same."

"I believe we've picked up the Muggle term for it – a double standard," Remus said.  "Please don't be offended, but I think your husband would also try to kill me and I'm not sure you're worth dying for."

"Well, you'll never know now, will you?" Narcissa said and immediately clapped a hand over her mouth.  "Sorry about that," she said through her fingers.

"It's okay," Remus said.  "Are you very disappointed?"

"Not very," she said.  "I didn't think you would."

"Why not?"

"You're too good a person."

"That's not necessarily the problem," Remus said.  "It's just that I'm scared."

"Of Lucius?"

"Yes."

"Would it make any difference if he was dead?"

"I don't know," Remus said.  "Why, are you planning to kill him?"

"No, but I've thought about it," Narcissa said.

"You could ask Snape for some Undetectable poison," Remus suggested.

"I could," Narcissa said, "but he'd be sure to ask who it was for, and –"

"Yes, I know," Remus said.  "It was just a thought."  He sighed.  "Well, I guess we're stuck, aren't we?"

"What do you mean?"

"You can't tell a lie," Remus said, "and I can't tell the truth."

"Does that mean you never want to see me again?"

"No, but –"

"Listen, I'm already infatuated with you," Narcissa said.  "What difference does it make if I see you or not?"

"Does your husband care how you feel about me?"

"I don't know," Narcissa said.  "I think it'd depend on how you felt about me."

"Then it's a good thing I haven't told you that," Remus said.

"Can't you tell me anyway?"

"It's better if I don't," Remus said.

"Then you can't care much about me at all," Narcissa said.  "Is that true?"

Remus pushed back his chair and stood up.  "I've said too much," he said.  "I have to go."

Narcissa stood up too.  "You haven't told me anything important," she said.

"No," Remus said.  "It's what I didn't say that's important."

"That's true," Narcissa said.  "You never said you cared about me."

"You're right," Remus said.  To her astonishment, he smiled a little.

He had to walk past her to leave the room, but she did not try to stop him.

^^^

Thanks everyone for reviewing the last chapter.  I know there should be three more reviews there, because I got them in my inbox, but they aren't there when I click on the little review thing and I deleted the emails.  I'm really annoyed at myself.  : (  If you find that your review didn't show up, I'd appreciate it if you sent another, and I promise to leave it in my inbox for months and months.


	7. Sweeter than Sixteen

*****

**But That's Ridiculous**

**Chapter Seven: Sweeter than Sixteen**

Harry's sixteenth birthday fell on a Wednesday, but his party took place on the following Friday.  There were two reasons for this: Harry's custody hearing was the same day, and it also meant that more of the Order members could be at the party.  Remus knew exactly how many birthday parties Harry had had in his life and he was therefore determined to make this one the most memorable event in a memorable life, although he knew it couldn't quite compare to facing Voldemort.

Harry's hearing was at one in the afternoon in one of the newer courtrooms.  To no one's surprise, Dumbledore was granted custody of Harry, and they quickly returned to number twelve, where the guests had been assembling for over an hour.  Most of the Order members were there, plus Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred, George and Arabella Figg.  Harry blew out the sixteen candles on his enormous birthday cake and was heartily embarrassed when he saw how many presents there were to be opened.  He was mostly finished when they all heard the front door open and close.  A few minutes later the kitchen door opened and there stood Sirius Black, sixteen years old, dressed in his Hogwarts robes.  He was so incredibly good-looking that Ginny let out a small "wow."  He looked at Harry and said, "I thought I'd missed your birthday."

"You did," Harry said.  "It was Wednesday."  He looked as though he'd never seen Sirius before in his life.

"Who are you?" Hermione said shrilly.  "You aren't in Gryffindor and you aren't a member of the Order."

"Don't you know me, Hermione?" he said.

"No," she said, "I don't."

"Well, you're wrong," he said, grinning.  "You do know me and I am in the Order.  I'm Sirius Black."  He took her hand and kissed it.  Hermione looked horrified.  Ginny said "wow" again.

"Perhaps," said Dumbledore, "you would like to tell us how you came to be here?"

"I am a memory of myself as a sixteen-year-old," Sirius said.  "Or I was.  I'm very much alive now."

"And are you going to tell us where you got that life from, exactly?" Remus said.  He was amazed at the degree of hate in his voice.  Sirius looked at him coolly.

"From Peter Pettigrew," he said to the rest of the room.  "The traitor is dead, and I have his confession –" he pulled a roll of parchment from his robe pocket – "right here."

"You took that from me," Remus said.  His hands were shaking.

"You'd do well not to leave important documents lying on your desk," Sirius said.  "You never know who might pick them up."

"Peter repented, you know," Remus said, trying to make his voice sound as though he were discussing the weather.  "He was sorry for having done what he did."

"He deserved to die for betraying James and Lily," said Sirius.

"That was fifteen years ago," Remus snapped.  "If you can't forgive him after all this time, then you're not going to find your second life much easier than your first."

There was an awful silence.  Remus noted with pleasure that Sirius seemed not to know what to say.  Then Remus had a horrible thought.  "Sirius," he said, "what did you do with Peter?"

"Left him there," Sirius said.  "I figured he could wait until I found a wand."

"How did you get here?" Remus said.

"Apparated," Sirius said.

"Oh, that's right."

"But you can't," Hermione said.  "Not until you're of age."

"You can," Sirius corrected her, smiling.  "You just can't be caught doing it without a license.  And as James and I discovered, you can't Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds."

"You're talking to the only student at Hogwarts who knows that," Hermione said.

"Have you learned to Apparate, then?" Sirius said keenly.

Before Hermione could answer, Remus said to Sirius, "I'm leaving, and there had better not be anything missing from my room when I get back."  To Harry he said, "I'm sorry for ruining your party."

Harry shook his head mutely, but Remus didn't have time to wonder what he meant.  He strode over to the fireplace, put a handful of Floo powder in his pocket so he would be able to return, and left to bury Peter.

When he returned to number twelve, everyone had left except for Sirius, who was sitting at the table eating a piece of cake.  He looked up when Remus emerged from the fireplace.

"I explained everything to Harry," said Sirius.

"Did you?" Remus said savagely.

"He just left with Albus to go back to the Dursleys'," Sirius continued, licking his fork.  "I expect he'll be in touch with you soon."

Remus didn't even ask why.  He just looked at Sirius and felt briefly as though he was sixteen again.

"By the way," Sirius said, "I need to go to Diagon Alley.  Would you mind taking me?"

"Why can't you go by yourself?" Remus said.

"Because I can't Apparate into Diagon Alley, and I can't get there through the Leaky Cauldron without a wand," Sirius said patiently.

"Right, okay, I'll take you to Diagon Alley."

"And could you lend me some money?" Sirius said.  "I really need to get some better clothes."

"You have an entire wardrobe full of robes upstairs," Remus said, and realized with a shock that he sounded exactly like his own mother, or worse, Molly.

"I'm the one who gave you my money in the first place," Sirius said.

"You mean when you _died_?" Remus said.

Sirius winced.  "Please," he said.  "I'd rather not talk about it."

"It's not one of my favorite topics either," Remus said.

Sirius scowled.  "Wait here," he said, "I'll be right back."  He went upstairs and returned without visible difference.  "Okay," he said, "let's go."

Their first stop was Gringotts, where Remus took out some money from Sirius's vault and Sirius got his father's wand from the Black family vault.

"It won't be quite as good as mine, of course," Sirius said, feeling its balance, "but that one's gone for good.  Wish I'd thought to toss it to Harry," he added, scowling.

Next they went to Gladrags, where Sirius bought five new robes and Remus wandered around staring at everything.  As they were leaving, they spotted Hermione in the witches' section inspecting something small and lacy that she dropped as soon as she saw them.

"Hello, Professor Lupin," she said, blushing.  "Hello, Sirius."

Remus opened his mouth to remind Hermione that under wizard law, he was no longer allowed to teach anywhere in Britain, but before he could, Sirius said, "What're you doing here?"

"I thought as long as I was in London, I might as well do some shopping," Hermione said.  "I see you've bought the place out," she added, indicating the bulky parcel Sirius was carrying.

"That's right," Sirius said, beaming at her.  "New clothes for a new life."

"What are you planning on doing now that – I mean now?" Hermione said.

"I intend to have as good a time as I possibly can," Sirius said.

Hermione frowned and looked about to say something when Sirius took her hand and kissed it, not taking his eyes from her own.  She went furiously red.

"Lovely to see you," Sirius said and left the store, dragging Remus, who managed a faint goodbye before they were out on the street.

"God, I love being sexy again," Sirius said gleefully.

"I don't think Hermione likes you," Remus said, straightening his robes.

"Didn't you see her face?" Sirius said.  "She looked like no one had ever kissed her before, which let's face it is probably the truth."

"She was more likely annoyed with you," Remus said.  "She thinks you're an immature, irresponsible git.  Or didn't you know that?"

"Usually that doesn't make any difference," Sirius said.  "What am I doing wrong, Remus?"

"Don't ask me," Remus said, alarmed.  "What do you say to a sundae at Florean Fortescue's?"

They sat down at an outdoor table and had their sundaes, which Remus paid for, albeit with Sirius's money.  Afterwards Sirius insisted on going to Quality Quidditch Supplies, and Remus reluctantly accompanied him, now carrying the package of robes.

A recently released broomstick called the Streetsweeper was on display in the front window, and Sirius dragged Remus up for a better view.  

Behind them, Remus heard someone say, "Mother, my birthday is coming up and my other broomstick is practically in splinters."  Remus recognized the voice.  He turned around and saw Draco and Narcissa Malfoy.

He and Narcissa stared at each other in silence until Draco said, "Oh, is it Lupin?  I'm surprised you haven't starved to death yet."

"Be quiet, Draco," said Narcissa sharply.  Sirius heard, and turned around.

"Who's this?" Draco said.  "He's obviously no relation of yours, Lupin –"

"Sirius?" said Narcissa.  She looked like a first year that had seen a ghost.

"Hello, Narcissa," said Sirius, grinning.

Narcissa fainted.

* * *

Draco had taken them all back to Malfoy Manor, even Remus, who although he was a werewolf was also the only one of them legally able to do magic.  He had laid her on a couch in the magnificent drawing room and, with several house-elves hovering nearby with cold cloths and glasses of water, restored her to consciousness.

Narcissa opened her eyes and immediately closed them when she saw Sirius.

"I don't believe your son introduced me," Remus said cheerfully.  "I'm Remus Lupin, and I taught Defense against the Dark Arts a couple years back."

"Narcissa Malfoy," she said, opening her eyes so they could shake hands.  "I remember Draco never could find much to complain about with you."

"Mother, please," Draco groaned.

Narcissa glanced at Sirius, who had looked as though he was about to introduce himself.  "No need to ask your name," she said.

"I suppose you'd like to know how this happened?" Sirius said.

"Yes, please," Narcissa said.

So Sirius explained.  It was only the second time, but he was already improving.  To their credit, Narcissa and Draco heard Sirius out in silence.

When he had finished, Narcissa said, "So Pettigrew is really dead?"

"Really and truly," Sirius said.

"I buried him," Remus added.

"Any more easy questions?" Sirius said.

"How do you preserve yourself in a diary?" asked Draco, who had listened to Sirius's story with rapt attention.

"Maybe I'll show you sometime," Sirius said, winking.

"Why did you come back to life?" Narcissa said.

Sirius appeared to consider the question.  "I suppose because I couldn't accept that my life was over," he said.  "I left so many things undone."

"Like what?" Remus said.

"Well," Sirius said, looking thoughtful.  "Do you remember when I swore an oath to run Mrs. Norris through with a blunt sword?"

"So did I," Draco said.  "Can I help?"

"Sirius," said Narcissa, "where are you going to live now?"

"I hadn't thought about it," Sirius said.  "Number twelve is too gloomy and I don't have enough money to rent anything.  I guess I'll have to go back to my house, but it's so boring there."

"Would you like to live here?" Narcissa said.  "At least until you decide what you're going to do."

"Say yes," Draco instructed.

"Yes," Sirius said.  "I'd like that a lot."

"Excellent," Narcissa said.  "Draco, would you please let Sirius pick out a spare room, and then get some house-elves to clean it."

"We have a regulation-size Quidditch pitch out back," Draco said to Sirius.

"Oh, _wow_," Sirius said.

Sirius and Draco left the room.  Remus and Narcissa tried not to look at each other.

"How're you feeling?" Remus said at last.

"Fine," Narcissa said.  "Shall I show you to the door?"

"Thank you," Remus said.  He followed her down a dark hall that led to the foyer.  Narcissa opened the door for Remus, then she followed him out and closed the door behind her.

"It's never safe to assume you aren't being overheard inside the manor," she said.

"Why did you offer to let Sirius stay here?" Remus said.

"Many reasons," Narcissa said.  "Draco is a lonely child and it would do him good to have some companionship.  I want to see my cousin again.  I haven't seen him since we both left Hogwarts.  I was hoping Sirius might let me into number twelve, and that you might return to see him."

"I'm sure you can understand why I might feel uncomfortable having him stay here," Remus said.

"No harm will come to him," Narcissa said.

"The Ministry thinks he's dead," Remus said.  "Suppose they find out otherwise."

"There is nothing to be gained by telling them," Narcissa said.  "He is not a reliable witness to Pettigrew's death."

"No, I suppose not," Remus said.

"Will you be coming back to visit Sirius?" said Narcissa.

"Yes," Remus said.

"Soon?" she said.

"I don't know."

"When you do, you will be welcome."

"Thank you," Remus said.  He turned and walked away down the lane.  He did not hear the front door open or close.

Back at number twelve, Dumbledore and Minerva were sitting at the table playing Exploding Snap.  Only Dumbledore looked up when Remus came in.

"Where's Sirius?" said Dumbledore.

"At the Malfoys'," said Remus.  He looked reflexively in the pantry and remembered that no one had bought any firewhisky for a week.  He took three butterbeers instead.

"What business has he there?" Dumbledore said, apparently intent on the game.  Remus knew he was not and the man's matchless calm irritated him.

"He's staying there," Remus said.

"Sit down," Minerva said sharply to Remus.  "You're making me nervous.  And tell us what's going on."

Remus sat down, making rather more noise than necessary, and told the story of their encounter with the Malfoys.

"Finish this hand, if you would," Dumbledore said to Remus.  "I'm leaving."

"They're not going to do anything to him," Remus said.

"He has committed murder," Dumbledore said.  "I think he needs to be reminded of it."

He left by the fireplace.  Remus sat down across from Minerva and took up Dumbledore's cards.

"Can we please not play this ridiculous game any more?" Minerva said.

"Sure," Remus said, throwing down his cards, which promptly exploded, causing her almost to jump out of her chair.  "Minerva," he said, "are you worried about something?"

"Well, yes," she said.

"Something you can tell me about?"

Minerva sighed.  "I might as well," she said.  "You're going to hear about it tonight at the meeting anyway, when Severus gives his report."

"No one told me there was a meeting tonight," Remus said.

"We were going to, but you weren't at home," Minerva snapped.  "Now do you want to hear about it or not?"

"Fine, let's hear it."

"Well," she said, "Voldemort has captured Deirdre."

"What?"

"Oh, you know Deirdre, she –"

"I know who Deirdre is," Remus said, "but what does Voldemort want with her?"

"Didn't she tell you what she did for a living?"

"No," Remus said, "all she told me was that she lost her job when the anti-werewolf legislation went through."

"She was a specialist in cosmetic magic, which is exactly what Voldemort –"

"I see," Remus said.  "Clever of him, to pick someone the Ministry will never go looking for."

"Tom Riddle was nothing if not clever," said Minerva.

"Did you know him?" Remus said.

"I went to school with him," she said shortly.  "We used to wonder why he never showed up at reunions."

"I guess when you're going after immortality, that sort of thing just isn't a priority," Remus said.

"He always did think he was better than anyone else," Minerva said bitterly.

When Dumbledore returned, he looked weary but not quite irritated.  Neither of them had to ask what happened.

"He's staying," Dumbledore said, sinking into a chair next to Minerva.  "He did promise to be careful, but knowing him, that means he won't drink anything he doesn't recognize."

"Do you think he'll be safe?" Minerva said.

"He'll be fine unless someone from the Ministry drops by," Dumbledore said.  "Of course, he might still fall off his broomstick and break his neck."

"Did you tell him not to use any magic?" Minerva said.  "If Mafalda should detect something –"

"He can do all the magic he wants," Dumbledore said.  "Lucius paid the Ministry well to lift the restrictive wards on the manor."

"Charming family, the Malfoys," said Remus.

"And what will happen if he can no longer stay at the manor?" Minerva said.  "Should he perhaps stay at Hogwarts until he is of age?"

"He could stay at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said, "but he will never be of age."

"He will be sixteen forever?" Minerva said.

"That's correct."

"You mean he doesn't even have to get old?" Remus said.

Dumbledore fixed Remus with a withering look.  "With age comes wisdom," he said.

"Well, there was never any hope of that."

"So there's nothing to be done," Minerva said.

"I did what could be done," Dumbledore said.  "I told him that he was no longer a member of the Order because he is not of age, but I mentioned there would be a meeting tonight.  He might choose to attend anyway."

"And if he does?" Minerva said.

"Then I will decide what to do," Dumbledore said.

But Sirius did not come, and Remus grew tired of explaining to the Order members where Sirius was and why.  When the meeting was over, the dishes washed and everyone else gone, Remus went into the Leaky Cauldron for a glass of firewhisky, since Molly had apparently taken it upon herself to purge number twelve of any beverage stronger than butterbeer.  He sat down at the bar next to a woman with blonde curly hair and jeweled glasses, and gave his order to Tom.

"Hello there," said the woman next to him.  "I know you – you're Remus Lupin."

"I'm afraid not," Remus said.  "I'm his twin brother, Romulus."

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry," the woman said.  "By the way, I'm Rita Skeeter, reporter for the _Daily Prophet_."

"I haven't seen anything of yours in the paper for a while," Remus said.

"Oh," Rita said.  "I was on sabbatical for a year, but I'm back and reporting again."

"That's good," Remus said vaguely.

But nothing more she said could convince him to give an interview about his twin, the mysterious and alluring werewolf.

* * *

"What's in the paper today, darling?" Lucius said to Narcissa, who was accepting the paper from a petite house-elf.  "You there, get me some more eggs."

The house-elf scurried off as Narcissa unrolled the paper and read from the headlines.  "There's an article about the shortage of wand-wood this season – one about Fudge's speech on the WWN last night – and one about Remus Lupin, the mysterious and alluring werewolf."

"What?" yelped Lucius, Draco and Sirius, more or less at the same time.

"He is _not_," Sirius said.  "Alluring, anyway."

"He is too," Narcissa said, and blushed.

* * *

**Unimportant Note: **Wow, Narcissa's really got herself in some deep doo-doo this time, hasn't she?  But don't worry – work on chapter 8 has already been completed.

^^^


	8. Prophesying

*****

**But That's Ridiculous**

**Chapter Eight: Prophesying**

The Malfoy family, which now included Sirius, had been shocked to discover over breakfast one morning that in certain quarters, Remus Lupin could actually be considered alluring.

"Well, he is," Narcissa said.

Lucius craned his neck to inspect the _Daily Prophet_ article.  "That explains it," he said triumphantly.  "They put his picture from Hogwarts in here.  He can't be any older than eighteen there.  And you had a crush on him at Hogwarts, didn't you, darling?"

"So what if I did?" she said.  "I married _you."_

"Mother, that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Draco pointed out.

"Oh, don't be such a little cynic," Lucius said.

"Why couldn't they have gotten a more recent picture of him?" Sirius said.  "Then no one could possibly be confused into thinking he's alluring."

"They didn't even talk to him," Narcissa said, shoving the paper at him.  "Here, read the article."

"'To many, Remus Lupin is an enigma,'" Sirius read in a mocking voice.  "'The well-beloved professor, who taught Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has rarely been seen in public since the revelation of his lycanthropy and subsequent resignation.  Now, this reporter talks to one of his close relatives about Remus's new sense of purpose and his new love interest.'  But he hasn't got any close relatives, not anymore."

"Is it true?" Narcissa said.  "About the love interest?"

"I wouldn't know," Sirius said, skimming the rest of the article.  "We never got around to talking about his love life."

Lucius snatched the paper out of Sirius's hands, glanced over the article, and flung it aside.  "Narcissa," he said, "we need to talk."

"I forgot to make my bed," Sirius said, jumping out of his chair and leaving the room.

"I forgot to comb my hair," Draco said, following him out.

Meanwhile Remus, who was eating his own breakfast in the kitchen at number twelve, read the article about himself with growing irritation.

"I am _not seeing a mysterious blonde," he said, jabbing the paper with his fork.  "And what's this about the Order of Merlin?"_

Remus decided to write Rita Skeeter and demand a retraction.  He was in the midst of composition when flames erupted in the fireplace and Sirius stepped out of them.

"Is there anything to eat?" he said.  "I'm starving."

Remus got him some toast and bacon, and refrained from asking any questions until Sirius was finished eating and ready to talk.

"I expect you're wondering why I'm here," Sirius said.

"Mm-hm," Remus agreed.

"Well, Lucius found out about Peter."

"How?" Remus said.

"He asked Narcissa who I'd used," Sirius said.  "She'd told him about the diary, and he must know how they work."

"How long has she been like that?" Remus said.  "Her disease, I mean."

"Ever since she was born," Sirius said.  "Or so I've heard.  I was only a few months old at the time."

"So is Lucius going to arrest you, or what?" Remus said.

"Probably," Sirius said, shrugging.  "Anyway, I can't stay here for too long, or they'll find me somehow.  I suppose I'm back to being a criminal on the run."  He didn't look too displeased at the prospect.

"Just think," Remus said.  "All these years everyone thought you'd killed Peter, and now you've finally done it."

"Yes," Sirius said, not at all remorsefully.  "Oh, Narcissa had something she wanted me to tell you," he added.

"Let's hear it," Remus said.

"Well, Lucius read the article in the Prophet," Sirius said.  "Have you seen it?"

"Yes, I have," Remus said, indicating the copy on the table.

"So he thought Narcissa was the mysterious blonde," Sirius said.  "She isn't, is she?"

"I'm not seeing anyone," Remus said.

"And he said something about Narcissa having a crush on you at school," Sirius said.  "I had no idea, did you?"

"No," Remus said.

"Anyway, she said that Lucius asked her how you felt about her and she thinks you don't care about her at all.  Is that true?"

"No," Remus said.  "I care about her, but not in the romantic sense."

"Right," Sirius said.  "Then how come she thinks you don't?"

"I said some things that she probably misunderstood," Remus said.

Sirius snorted.  "You never could say what you mean.  It's probably safe to explain yourself now, though.  Lucius knows she can't lie, and I doubt he'll ask her that again."

"Are you telling me I should talk to her?" Remus said.

"Think what you want," Sirius said.

"What happened to you arranging my love life for me?"

"Oh, that's over with," Sirius said.  "I can't make you do what I want anymore."

"What a relief," Remus said.

"It's not like you're going to do anything about it on your own," Sirius said.  "Are you?"

"Well –"

"You aren't," Sirius said.  "Then let me give you some advice – don't be a fool."

"Excellent advice," Remus said, "but rather general, don't you think?"

Sirius just rolled his eyes.  "I have to get to work," he said.

"Doing what?"

"Mixing up a few potions," Sirius said.  "Polyjuice and that sort of thing."

"Is there a cauldron in the house, or do I have to go buy you one?"

"All my potion-making stuff is in the attic," Sirius said.  "But if you go out today, I am a little low on fluxweed."

"I'll keep my eye out," Remus said irritably as Sirius left the room.

But after work, Remus did stop by the apothecary to buy the fluxweed.  Hermione Granger was there as well, paying for a small parcel wrapped in brown paper.  She turned to leave and spotted him.

"Oh, hello, Professor Lupin," she said.  Remus opened his mouth to tell her that he was unlikely ever to teach again when she said, "That was an interesting article about you in the _Daily Prophet_ today."

"I hope you didn't believe any of it," Remus said.

"Oh, I didn't," Hermione said, her expression darkening.  "I know how Rita Skeeter operates."

"Her sabbatical doesn't seem to have done her any good," Remus said.

"No, I don't expect it has," Hermione said, sounding disappointed.

"Say, how did you know she was on sabbatical?" Remus said.  "She only told me when she was trying to worm an interview out of me."

"Well, she hasn't written anything in a year and I had rather hoped she was dead," Hermione said.  "But I see now that was too much to hope for.  So it wasn't your twin brother she talked to after all, was it?"

"Romulus is nothing but an invention of mine for dealing with creditors, the press and other nosy people.  I hope," he continued, indicating the package she held, "you aren't planning to brew any potions with that just yet.  It's technically illegal, you know."

"Yes, I do know," Hermione said.  "I'm just picking up a few things now, before I have to start packing for school."

"Already?" Remus said.  "Term doesn't start for three weeks."

"Hasn't Mrs. Weasley talked to you?" Hermione said.

"Not recently," Remus said.  "What has she got planned now?"

"She invited me and Harry to stay with her and Ron and Ginny at headquarters," Hermione said.  "Starting next week.  She just sent Harry a letter – I do hope he can come.  You mean she hasn't told you?"

"Not a word," Remus said grouchily.  "Still, it's not my house, it isn't like she needs my permission or anything."

"Please don't be mad at her," Hermione said.  "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Don't worry," Remus said.  "I won't get you involved if I can avoid it."

"Well, I won't keep you any longer," Hermione said.  "I'm sure you have lots to buy."

"Not much really," Remus said, "I just dropped by to get some fluxweed for – ah, Snuffles."

"Really?" Hermione said, giving him an inquiring look.

"Well, yes," Remus said, feeling that he had just been skewered.  "You see, someone found out about what he did and he's going to make a few potions to protect himself."

"Ah," Hermione said.  "And what does he plan on doing?"

"I couldn't say."

"Listen, I've just had an idea," Hermione said.  "Do you think you can get him to stay at headquarters for another week or so, until we get there?"

"It'll take him a couple weeks to make – whatever it is he's going to make," Remus said.

"Good," Hermione said.  "You make sure he stays there, I'll have a talk with Ron, and between us I think we can keep history from repeating itself."  She smiled.  "I have to go, but I'll be seeing you soon."

"Bye," Remus said, unable to stop staring after her as she left the shop.  He had the distinct feeling that it had been Hermione, and not he, who had gotten the most out of their conversation.  He finally realized what was so annoying about Hermione Granger: around her, he felt outfoxed, outclassed, and outwitted.  It was how he had felt, however vaguely, around James and Sirius, and it was still more depressing to feel that way around one of his former students.  He knew he was not the fleetest wolf in the pack, but to be reminded of it in such a way – 

"'Scuse me, sir," said the apothecary, rolling his eyes.  "Can I help you?"

* * *

Remus had intended to confront Molly when she arrived with the children a week later, but he never got the chance.  He heard the front door open and then a subdued commotion in the front hall; he got there in time to help everyone get their trunks up the creaking staircase, and the first thing Molly said was, "Where's Harry?  He is coming, isn't he?"

"Albus said he could come," Remus said, "and I was just about to get him when you showed up."

"Oh," Molly said.  "Well, go on then."

Remus retrieved Harry from the Dursleys' with a minimum of insults, and the first thing Harry said, while Remus was still shunting his trunk up the stairs, was "Where's Sirius?"

"Making potions," Remus said.  "Open the door for me, would you?"

"Where?" Harry said, scurrying forward and opening the door.  Ron, Hermione and Ginny were already sitting in the room, looking at them.

"Where's Sirius?" said Hermione.

"Sirius is upstairs, in the attic, making five different potions," Remus said, dropping the trunk at the foot of what he presumed was Harry's bed.  The entire house sagged.  "He specifically asked me not to be disturbed until it was time to eat, so I would suggest that you play Exploding Snap or annoy Molly or find something else to do until Sirius is ready to play with you."

"It's not that," Hermione said.  "We just have a suggestion to make to Sirius –" she glanced at Ron – "and we thought that all of you should be there to hear it."

"Fine," Remus said.  "After we eat.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some bee stings to bottle."

After Remus closed the door, he heard Ron say, "Wonder what's wrong with Lupin.  He's never acted like this before."

"I expect he's had a difficult time of it," Hermione said.

She has no idea, Remus thought, wishing he could bite something.

"So," Molly said at dinner that evening, "what's this I hear about you and a mysterious blonde, Remus?"

"It's a lie," he said, violently forking a potato.  "A vicious lie that comes to us courtesy of the Skeeter witch."

"But I heard that you and Mrs. Malfoy –"

"Sirius was lying," Remus said, glaring at Sirius.  "Weren't you, Sirius?"

"I really don't think it's any of our business," Hermione said.

Everyone at the table stared at her.

"I mean, really," she said irritably.  "If he wants to spend the rest of his life alone, what right do we have to stop him?"

"Thanks, Hermione," said Remus, not feeling entirely grateful.

"Would you rather I didn't discuss your love life?" Molly said, looking pained.

That was exactly what he wanted, but a scrap of decency prevented him from saying so.  "At least not in front of them," he said, indicating Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny.

"Please," Ginny said.  "It's not like we haven't –"

"Ginny, be quiet," Molly said imperiously, and she was.  Remus did not want to know what she had been about to say.  Ron looked mortified.  Sirius snickered.

"Dessert, anyone?" Molly said.  "It's mint gateau tonight."

Once dinner was over, everyone except Molly adjourned to Harry and Ron's room, where Hermione explained her idea.  It was a simple one: Sirius would take Polyjuice Potion to look like Ron, who would be staying in Bill's flat, while Sirius remained at number twelve.

"Well, I think it's a brilliant idea," Sirius said, looking around for confirmation.  Hermione tried to look modest.

"What happens when you go back to Hogwarts?" Remus said.

"They'll have to switch back, of course," Hermione said.  "Still, it buys Sirius some time."

"Who's buying the ingredients?" Remus said.

"We're all chipping in," Hermione said.

"Then I have no objections," Remus said.  "How about you, Ron?"

"I'll do it," he said.

"Great," Remus said.  "If you need me, I'll be downstairs, acting innocent."

Feeling slightly guilty, he went downstairs to help Molly with the dishes.  It wasn't as bad as he expected; Molly seemed to be making a special effort not to mention Narcissa.  Remus fell asleep that night lulled by thoughts of a new life, free of romance and untroubled by the machinations of his surrogate mother.

He spent all of the next day painting, and returned in the evening to find that Tonks had come for dinner, making them eight in all.

"Oh, hello, Remus," said Molly, looking up briefly from the skillet of potatoes she was frying.  Hermione, Ginny and Tonks were clustered around the stove as well.

"Lo," Remus said, making for the pantry.  By now he knew not to expect any firewhisky; he took a butterbeer instead and, uncorking it, ambled back into the kitchen.

"Is this an introduction to culinary magic?" Remus said, leaning against the doorjamb and taking a long comforting swig of butterbeer.

"Something like that," Molly replied tersely.  Remus watched with great amusement as Molly scolded Ginny for not chopping the onions finely enough.

"Look at the nice job Hermione's done with _her _onions," Molly said.

"It's just like Potions," Hermione said comfortingly to Ginny.  "Except it's easier."

"That explains why I nearly flunked Potions last term," Ginny muttered.

"Where are the others at?" Remus said, cutting off whatever Molly had been about to say.

"Upstairs, I think," Tonks said.

"You might tell them we're eating in fifteen minutes," Molly said as Remus left.

He found Sirius, Harry and Ron in Harry and Ron's bedroom, where Sirius was giving them a lesson of a very different sort than Molly's.

"Now," Sirius was saying, "watch what happens when you hit the map with your wand and say 'Lily Evans.'"

"Oh, hello, Remus," said Harry, who had looked up at the sound of footsteps.

"Hello," Remus said.  "I see you're teaching them all the old tricks, Sirius."

"Of course," Sirius said.  "You wouldn't want all of our research going to waste, now would you?"

Remus rolled his eyes and took another drink of butterbeer.  "We're eating in fifteen minutes," he informed them.

"Good," Sirius said.  "Time for one more lesson.  You two have both been in the prefects' bath, haven't you?"

Harry and Ron both nodded.

"You're not a prefect," Remus said to Harry.

"Yeah," Ron said, looking suspiciously at Harry.  "When have _you_ ever been in there?"

Harry shrugged and blushed.

"Good man," Sirius said, clapping Harry on the shoulder.  "Now, you go to the north side of the pool – that's the one closest to the crazy painting – and count seven taps in from the end closest to the door.  When you hit that tap three times with your wand, the pool turns into an exact replica of the bottom of the lake."

"No _way," Ron said, deeply awed._

"How did you find that out?" Harry said.

"I made it that way," Sirius said, grinning.  "And it was Remus who gave me the idea."

"I did not," Remus protested.  "All I said was I wonder how they made the ceiling like that.  _You_ decided to apply the concept to the prefects' bath."

"And a good idea it was," Sirius said.

"You four," they heard Molly yell from downstairs.  "Get down here this minute."

They rushed to the kitchen, expecting supper, but Molly had only called them down to set the table.  Fortunately the meal followed shortly after.

"Oh, Remus," said Molly as she passed him the potatoes.  "I talked to Minerva today."

Remus was suddenly filled with dread.  She had introduced his other blind dates in just such innocent manner.  "I don't want to hear it," he said.

"How do you know you don't?" Molly snapped.  "You haven't heard what it is yet."

"No," Remus said, "and I don't want to."

"Oh, you're impossible," Molly fumed.  "I don't know what your mother must have done with you."

"She locked me in the shed once a month," Remus said cheerfully.  "She said when I left for Hogwarts and she couldn't lock me up anymore, it took half the fun out of her life."

There was an awful silence, during which Remus beamed around at everyone.  "Yes," he said at last, "my mother was a real battleaxe."

"So's mine," Ginny said.

"Well," Molly said.  "I can tell no one wants to know what Minerva said."  She got up and stalked out of the room.

"Let's hope it's not important," Sirius said cheerily.

* * *

**Note for thistlemeg: **Thanks for the review.  About the custody situation: You're exactly right, and I went back and changed it to Dumbledore (he seems the next likely candidate).  I'm so glad you pointed that out.

**Note for everyone:** Sorry this has taken me so long.  I'm just going to say _band camp!_  Anyway, I have chapter nine finished but I'm not happy with the ending.  Depending how busy I am, it should be out in a week or so.  No promises, of course.


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